You Might Have Kids If…

I have a three year old daughter and a six month old daughter, and I love them like crazy. But having kids makes me do things that I would never do otherwise. Like…

…use the word ‘potty’ in my prayers.

Most people don’t know this but potty training is the third leading cause of insanity in the world. Next time you go to the grocery store, look closely at the faces of young parents. You’ll probably notice little stress tics, like a lip spasm or eyebrow twitch. I regularly find myself desperately praying for divine potty intervention. I’m not to the point where I’m rebuking potty demons, but I’m getting pretty close.

…sing kids songs. By myself. To myself.

Before I had kids I would sing Coldplay or Mat Kearney. I was cool and I was up on the cool music. Not so much anymore. Now I find myself singing “Bob the Builder” and “Winnie the Pooh” under my breath. Sometimes I do hand motions. (Not really. Not yet.)

…devise my own code language.

There are times when Jen and I need to speak in a highly sophisticated code language to each other. For example, I can’t just say the words ‘ice cream’ unless I plan on taking my family out to get ice cream. So I’ll say to Jen: “Hey Jen, what would you think about taking you-know-who out to get some I-C-E?” Notice how I shortened the words ‘ice cream’ into just ‘ice’ in order to throw Charis off the trail? I could have been a code breaker in WWII.

…make ultra specific requests of Charis.

My daughter Charis is the cutest, smartest little sinner you ever met. If she’s banging her spoon on the table at dinner, I can’t say, “Charis please stop banging your spoon on the table.” Not nearly specific enough. I need to say, “Charis, please don’t bang your spoon on the table, or your bowl, or your cup, or your sister’s head, or daddy’s hand, or in the air.” She still might find a way to get around a request that specific.

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade my life for anything. But sometimes I think I might be going a bit crazy.

How do you know that you have kids?


  • penguinelk says:

    Haha! I caught myself jumping up to cheer when my favorite Wiggles song came on. We had company over. I blushed.

  • Elizabeth says:

    My Mom had my younger brothers when I was in high school. Needless to say, when I went off to college, I was in the habit of excitedly (and loudly) announcing the presence of any vehicle that had flashing lights and/or sirens, construction equipment (including but not limited to cement trucks, backhoes, etc.), school buses, and the like. Unfortunately, this habit didn't wear off quickly enough. I found myself announcing to myself and friends all of these "exciting" sightings much to their chagrin. Now that I'm a parent, it's not nearly as embarrassing once again.

    Thanks for sharing, Stephen!! Very funny and encouraging, as usual!

  • Michelle says:

    I just put my 3.5 yr old daughter down for a nap (which she's not taking, but since she's singing "In Christ Alone" really loudly, it hard to be too upset!) and prayed that God would help her wake up with dry pants….so yep, potty-ing is in our prayers definitely!!

  • Aaron says:

    I find myself using terms reserved for 5 and under in grown up settings, i.e. staff meetings at church. Grown men shouldn't ask each other if their "tummy" is hurting.

  • bfpower says:

    Yeah. No adult should have to use the words "poop" and "awesome" in the same sentence.

  • John Kuvakas says:

    You might have kids if none of the glasses or cups in your cupboard match.

    You might have kids if you not only have a Veggie Tales tie but have actually worn it.

  • lisa says:

    My brother-in-law once went to a business lunch and, when the coffee was served, asked a colleague to "pass the milky."

  • kateg says:

    Sorry to tell you this but my "kid" is 28… he's been over the word "potty" for 25 years. Me, not so much. I was never was like this before. Really. I knew lots of big words. I'm sure of it. But that one stuck… which may say more about my vocabulary than any of my vain protests, sad to say.

  • B. Minich says:

    Me too, Mark! Is it weird that I do not have kids? It has taken some singles by storm here. And I do not apologize for liking it.

    Curse you Perry the Platypus.

  • Elaine says:

    Being the loving big sister she is, I had to caution my daughter about picking up her brother when he was an infant. I should have been more specific – we found her pulling him by the foot. log-rolling him acrosss the room, basically any way she could move him without actually picking him up.. Thankfully he survived – none the worse for the wear.

  • Jane says:

    If you are used to finding random odd (sometimes gross) things around the house, and curious concoctions. Some small examples would be chapsticks that were wound completely out with the cap attempted to be placed back on……and homeade tents in corners that house things from kitchen ware to grocery items to parents clothes to diapers to feathers to sticks and rocks…….you get the point.

  • Ryan Egan says:

    So hilarious! Especially the "specific requests" one. Boy, I find myself doing the same thing often. We're just hitting the "terrible threes" (the two's, by the way, were terrific, contrary to the popular term) in our house and I've found myself saying, "Be nice to Mommy" many, many times today. Thanks for a good laugh!

  • Barbara Stapleton says:

    My daughter is an adult now but when she started walking I found she REALLY got (and messed up stuff) all over the place every time I went to the bathroom. She even dug UNDER her playpen to sneak out, covered the hole with a blankie". In the street someone asked her name and she replied ":Damn it Dawnie". Humiliating conviction! and laughter. I went out and bought a Grouch Marx eyeglass toy (with nose and mustache) to put on her whenever I was tempted to speak out of anger. It worked, all I could do was laugh.

    When the Lord blessed me with a rescue puppy it was different. No money for a kennel meant she woke me up at 1 am to clean her poop, 2 am to play 3 am to play… at least a baby would stay in a crib! Potty has been in my prayers for the last year, since she is more difficult than any dog I have ever owned. At Church Sunday I even asked if someone was in the "potty" (only 1 ladies room). Reality check time.

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