How To Simulate Motherhood

On occasion I have heard people who do not have children make a comment along the following lines: “What exactly do moms do all day?” Behind the question lies the impression that most mothers sit around all day on bean bags, eating Skittles and reading the latest issue of Real Simple. But nothing could be further from the truth.

So, for all of you who have wondered what it is like to be a mom, here are some simple things you can do to simulate motherhood.

1. Carry around a 30 pound sack of flour all day. Do not, I repeat, do NOT set the sack of flour on the ground for any reason. If you do, the sack will immediately begin screaming.

2. Place a large industrial fan in your kitchen. At every meal, make sure to dump at least one full plate of food directly into the fan.This works especially well with Cheerios and peas.

3. Go to the local pet shop and purchase two howler monkeys. Take the howler monkeys home and release them into your house.

4. Try to hold an intelligent conversation or do a craft with the howler monkeys.

5. While carrying the sack around and taking care of the howler monkeys, make sure to read your Bible and pray.

Now, I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. I absolutely love my kids. But I really, really need Jen. I’m pretty sure that the kids and I would end up as hobos on the streets of Indiana, PA if Jen weren’t around to take care of us.

So thanks Jen for being the best mom in the world. I love you.

What else would you add to the list?

Stephen Altrogge

I'm a husband, dad, writer, & Mixed Martial Arts Salsa Dancing Champion. I created The Blazing Center. I've also written some books which people seem to like.

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