A Fair, Unbiased, and Slightly Grumpy Review Of Christmas Songs

It is no secret that I can be a bit of grump when it comes to getting in the “Christmas spirit”. Maybe it’s because my heart is two times too small. Maybe it’s because I’m traumatized from the time our Christmas tree fell over when we were out doing festive things. Maybe it’s because going to the mall during the Christmas season is like getting caught up in a wildebeest stampede (I feel for you Simba).

Or maybe it has to do with Christmas music. Let me explain.

Little Drummer Boy

I honestly can’t figure out how this song, written in 1941, got accepted into the canon of acceptable Christmas songs. What does newborn baby Jesus need most? Sleep? Food? A warm, peaceful environment? Nope! A loud drum solo! What does Mary need after spending hours in labor? A drum line! I’m pretty sure Mary would have taken the drum and smashed it over the head of the little drummer boy if he had really tried to pull off a drum solo in the stable. And don’t get me started on the ox and lamb “keeping time” with the drums. What is this? Narnia? I’m surprised a centaur didn’t play a harmonica solo.

White Christmas

I like this song, especially when it’s sung by Bing Crosby. And I too used to yearn for a white, snowy Christmas. Then the Polar Freakin’ Vortex happened, and we had an Antarctic Christmas. At one point I actually had to cut open a camel and sleep in it, much like Han Solo had to do in The Empire Strikes Back. Now I live in Florida and am looking forward to a 70 degree, flip-flops and shorts Christmas.

Baby It’s Cold Outside

Can we all just agree that this is the creepiest Christmas song ever written? At one point the woman says, “What’s in this drink?” Enough said.

Joy To The World

This is probably my favorite Christmas song, even though it’s actually about the return of Christ, not the birth of Christ. Don’t believe me? Take a closer look at the lyrics. No more let sins and sorrows reign. When does this actually happen? When Christ returns. Nor thorns infest the ground. When God cursed the earth, part of the curse involved thorns infesting the ground, making the ground hard to work. When Christ returns, all effects of sin will finally be removed, including the thorns that infest the ground. He comes to make his blessings flow, far as the curse is found. The curse of sin is over the entire earth. Only when Christ returns will he make his blessings flow as far as the curse is found. I can’t wait for Christ to return and bring his joy to all the earth.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

The moral of this song is that the way to beat bullies is to make friends with the boss, be a suck-up, and then get promoted. That seems about right to me.

The Christmas Shoes

Take this sharp stick. Now, please ram that stick into my eye. Repeatedly.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

He sees me when I’m sleeping, he knows when I’m awake. Apparently Santa has invested some serious cash into surveillance technology. Either that or Santa works for the CIA. Perhaps Santa should have worked with Sarah Koenig on the Serial podcast. Then we’d actually know what happened. Back off Santa. We’ve got privacy laws in this country, and even you’re not above the law. Creeper.

Feliz Navidad

Americans are often accused of only caring about America. This song is proof that we are actually very multi-cultural. Not only do we sing our songs in English, we also sing them in Mexican.

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Props to this song for at least being honest. We all love being with our families on Christmas day, but there are times when we wish one of our family members would get run over by a reindeer. Surely I’m not the only who feels this way? Right? RIGHT?!?!

Egg Nog

While not technically a Christmas song, egg nog is often associated with Christmas. Whoever created egg nog must also have a serious propaganda team working for him. Because honestly, it tastes like blended play-doh. Or, as Barnabas said, like nutmeg flavored mucus.

Okay, now that I’ve officially ruined Christmas for everyone, have a merry Christmas!

Stephen Altrogge

I'm a husband, dad, writer, & Mixed Martial Arts Salsa Dancing Champion. I created The Blazing Center. I've also written some books which people seem to like.

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