Introducing The First Ever Evangelical Scouting Combine

With the NFL Scouting Combine in full swing, I asked our resident sports/evangelical expert, Ted Kluck, to create an evangelical scouting combine. The results are…well, brilliant. 

Welcome to the 2015 UnderArmour/Lifeway/Moody/David C. Cook/Dr. David Jeremiah Evangelical Scouting Combine, where we determine this year’s crop of rising stars in the worlds of Christian publishing, entertainment, and pastoral ministry.

Friday’s Position Groups:

1. People Who Feel No Particular Compunction About Describing Themselves as “Awesome”

  • Jon Acuff

2. People Who Think You Should Sell Some or All of Your Stuff and Do Something Crazy or Radical

  • David Platt
  • Francis Chan
  • Possibly John Piper. He may be participating in his own “Pro Lab Day”.

3. Activists Whose Careers Now Consist Mostly of Twitter Activity and Appearances at Folk Festivals

  • Shane Claiborne

4. People You Don’t Really Feel Completely Comfortable Sharing Your Honest Opinions About Because You’re Too Nice, Resulting in Scenarios in which You Have To Be Kind of Coy But Hope That People Get the Idea Anyway

  • Rachel Held Evans
  • Rob Bell

5. Pastors You Really Admire But Probably Feel Jealous Of Because of the Size of Their Churches and/or the Fact That They Are Billy Graham’s Son-in-Law

  • Tullian Tch-(sic)-ian
  • Matt Chandler

6. Pastors You Really Admire But Probably Feel Weird About Because They May Have Once Voted Democrat at Some Point

  • Tim Keller

7. Editors Who Have Switched Publishing Companies Within the Last Calendar Year

  • (Too many to list. See UnderArmour rep for handouts)

8. People Who Don’t Think You’re Good Enough to Marry Their Daughter

  • Voddie Baucham, Jr.
  • Jim Bob Duggar

9. People Who Used to be Authors But Are Now Productivity Experts

  • Donald Miller
  • Jon Acuff

10. Rappers Soon to Have Crossway Book Deals

  • LeCrae
  • Flame
  • Tedashii
  • Shai Linne
  • Curt Kennedy
  • Owen Strachan

11. Guys Who Are Probably Trying Too Hard, Thus Resulting In Them Possibly Selling Out

  • Stephen Altrogge

12. People Riding The Coattails Of Their Dad

  • Barnabas Piper
  • Possibly Stephen Altrogge. He is in talks with his agent about whether he should participate in this exercise.

13. Authors Who Have Done The Author Thing For Quite Awhile, Resulting In Them Being Jaded and Cynical.

  • Ted Kluck

Friday’s Events:

1. The Mark Driscoll Bus Toss:

  • Competitors will see how many times they can throw former celebrity pastor and church planter Mark Driscoll under the bus in a one minute time frame.

2. The Twitter Tagline Mad Lib:

  • Competitors are tested on how many different ways they can use the words, “husband, father, wife, mother, coffee, theology, incarnational, and conversation” in a timed event.

3. The Instagram Challenge:

  • Competitors have an hour to “date their wife” and then let the social-media community know what great husbands they are.

4. Book Deal Speed Dating:

  • Competitors will have five minutes with representatives from every major Christian publishing house and the competitor who secures the most book deals wins.

5. White Guys Talking About Rappers As Though They Know Something About It (actual rappers exempt):

  • Competitors have the chance to try not to sound ridiculous while talking about rap and rappers.

6. The “Acting Like You Don’t Care About Any of This” Press Conference

Notes:

  • Rob Bell will not be participating in any combine events and will be having his own “Pro Day” in March. The Pro Day will air live on the “O” network and will consist of Rob walking around on stage, gesturing, and talking. Contact your cable provider.
  • Michael Hyatt, author of “Platform,” will be speaking to his platform (and others) from a gigantic (actual) platform in the atrium of Lucas Oil Stadium.
  • Dave Ramsey will drop Jon Acuff off in his (Ramsey’s) helicopter and asks that if Acuff isn’t going to be home by dinner that he call or text and let him (Ramsey) know.

Stephen Altrogge

I'm a husband, dad, writer, & Mixed Martial Arts Salsa Dancing Champion. I created The Blazing Center. I've also written some books which people seem to like.