Joe Buck: Goooood evening ladies and gentleman. I’m Joe Buck, I’m joined by Tim McCarver, and we have a very exciting night ahead of us. Welcome to the first ever WWE Pastor Royal Rumble, which pits all of your favorite pastors against each other in a no-holds-barred, last man standing rumble. Tim, what are you looking forward to?
Tim McCarver: It’s gonna be a dogfight out there! We’ve got heavy hitter John MacArthur, shifty jujitsu John Piper, Mark Batterson, and a host of other fighters. There will be blood on the mat by the time this brawl is over! This is probably the most anticipated fight in the evangelical world since Jerry Falwell vs The Left.
Joe: It looks like we’re ready to get started. Let’s get ready to ruuuuummmmmbbbbblllleeee! First up, we’ve got Mark Batterson against Steven Furtick. And there’s the bell! We’re off and running! Batterson is beginning to circle around Furtick. He’s starting to move faster…wow, he’s really moving now. He looks like “Great Tiger” from “Mike Tyson’s Punch Out”. This is his signature “Circle Maker” move!
Tim: Furtick better be careful! Rumor has it that Batterson actually fought a lion in a pit and won. I read that on Wikipedia.
Joe: Wait a second. Something is happening. Furtick is talking to the audience. It looks like he’s asking…yes, here it comes! It’s the “Spontaneous Baptism” move! Look out Mark, you’ve got about thirty people coming at you. Wow, those people are swarming all over Mark. It’s like “World War Z”, except with people, not zombies!
Tim: He’s down! Batterson is down! The ref is slapping the mat. One, two, three, he’s pinned! That was faster than a blogger throwing Mark Driscoll under the bus!
Joe: Furtick better pay attention, because here comes his next opponent. I would recognize that white suit a mile away. Hold on to your walkers and wheelchairs, because Benny Hinn is making his way toward the mat and…is he taking up a love offering from the audience?
Tim: It looks like he’s stuffing bills down into his shirt!
Joe: Hinn is in the ring, and he’s standing face to face with Furtick. It looks like he’s saying something to Furtick. Now he’s putting his hand on Furtick’s head…why is Furtick letting him do that? Doesn’t he know who he’s dealing with?
Tim: BOOM! Benny Hinn breaks out his “Healing Punch”, and Furtick is flat on the mat! That punch makes Mike Tyson look like a schoolboy. Look out Rocky Balboa, there’s a new sheriff in town. Now Benny is wrapping his gold necklace around Furtick’s hands and feet. He’s hogtying him! Holy smokes! He’s hogtying Steve Furtick with gold chains. I’ve never seen that before.
Joe: The ref is slapping the mat…Furtick is pinned! Hinn is victorious. Wait, Benny is saying something to Furtick. He’s telling him that he won’t let him loose until he sows a seed of faith. A one-thousand dollar seed of faith.
Tim: This could get ugly. I’ve seen this before. He’s had crowds stuck in rooms for weeks on end, waiting for those seeds of faith to be sown. Hopefully…wait a second. Someone is making their way toward the ring. Oh wow. This could get nasty. It’s John MacArthur. MacArthur and Hinn have been in a heated rivalry ever since Hinn tried to baptize MacArthur in the Holy Spirit back in ’77.
Joe: Benny is standing up, he’s cocking his fist into the healing punch. Jonny Mac better look out or he’s going to get a face full of healing!
Tim: I don’t believe what I’m seeing! MacArthur’s hands are actually ON FIRE! Flames are actually dancing on his hands. This must be the “strange fire” move he’s been rumored to be developing. Hinn is backing down, MacArthur grabs him by the shirt collar. Ladies and gentleman, Benny Hinn is literally on fire, and wow does that polyester suit burn fast! He just ran out of the ring, screaming. Yet somehow he managed to take a love offering on the way out.
Joe: John MacArthur is up on the ropes, screaming something at the crowd. Actually, it appears that he’s giving a three point sermon, something about the Book of Solomon.
Tim: The crowd is turning to look at something. Something or someone is making quite a disturbance in the back. Woah! Francis Chan just dropped out of rafters into the ring, behind MacArthur. Chan has been off the grid lately – no one is exactly sure where he went. Wherever it was, it seems to have had a strange effect on Chan. He looks…crazy, wild. He’s moving around so fast I can barely keep track of him. MacArthur is bobbing and weaving, trying to hit Chan with the “strange fire”, but he can’t get a solid shot.
Joe: This looks like the end for MacArthur. Chan has him in the “crazy love” stranglehold, and there is no way in purgatory that MacArthur is getting out. The ref is slapping the mat. One, two…hold on a second! T.D. Jakes has just entered the ring. He’s punching Chan in the back while yelling, “Man, thou art loosed!” to MacArthur. Chan is stumbling, he’s down on the mat. Jakes is on top of both MacArthur and Chan, trying to pull of the difficult “Oneness” pin, in which two are pinned as one.
Tim: That’s it! Jakes has pinned both MacArthur and Chan at the same time. I absolutely can’t believe it. I haven’t seen that move done in ages. Jakes is strutting around the stage, proclaiming blessing on the congregation. Look out T.D., because I see John Piper heading your way, and he does NOT look happy.
Joe: What is he holding in hands? It’s a rope of some sort.
Tim: It appears to be a length of cord covered in various sea shells. Is that a legal weapon?
Joe: Anything is legal here, buddy.
Tim: Jakes and Piper are squaring off. Jakes keeps trying to hit Piper with a “prosperity punch”, but Piper won’t have any of it.
Joe: Are you kidding me? Piper just blasted Jakes with the seashell rope of death. Jakes is stumbling backwards and Piper just keeps coming. He’s doing some sort of crazy karate or jujitsu on Jakes. Quick hand motions, chops to the throat, that kind of thing. Jakes is against the ropes. He’s down on the mat.
Tim: Here it comes. Piper has Jakes in “the waster”. He’s going to show Jakes what it really means to waste his life. The ref is slapping the mat…and Jakes is pinned. That was brutal.
Joe: Look out John! Rob Bell has just hopped into the ring, and he is coming at you like a bull in an emergent church.
Tim: Bell just threw something onto the mat, and now smoke is filling the ring. It’s Bell’s trademark “fog of confusion”. Ouch! Bell just landed a solid blow to Piper’s midsection. Piper hits back with the “Velvet Steel” karate chop. They’re going at each other. This is intense folks! They’re trading blows. Bell, Piper, now Bell, now Piper.
Joe: Uh oh! Bell has Piper on his back. Piper is struggling, squirming, desperately trying to escape. Looks like this could be the end for Piper. The ref is slapping the mat…one, two…
Tim: Wait a second! Piper has reversed his way out of the pin, and now Bell is on his back. This is going to be tough, because you can almost never pin Rob Bell down. Period. On anything.
Joe: Bell is fighting, wriggling. He’s telling John that they can both be winners, but John isn’t having any of it. He’s got Bell in a grip so tight that not even Joel Osteen could escape it. The ref is slapping the mat. One, two, three. It’s over! John Piper has defeated Rob Bell and is officially the last man standing.
Tim: The crowd is chanting something at Bell. “Na na, na na na na, hey hey, farewell!”
Joe: Ladies and gentleman, this has been quite the battle. Thank you for joining us. Stay tuned for future Evangelical Smackdowns.
Special thank to Josh Byers for the awesome photo.