13 Mistakes People Make in Social Media Bios

Social media bios: where you have just a few dozen characters to give the basics of who you are. And yet so many people manage to screw it up. Here are 13 of the worst mistakes I’ve seen used in Twitter bios.

1) “Husband of One Wife”

Oh good! You’re not a polygamist; I wasn’t sure there for a second. Polygamy is such a pressing problem in our post-enlightenment western society, after all.

2) “I’m a Creative”

I’m going to speak for everyone gainfully employed here, and say that being “a creative” sounds suspiciously like “I won’t take on a real job because it doesn’t suit my fancy so instead I produce indie films and drink free-trade organic coffee I can’t really afford but it’s better than working for ‘The Man’.”

3) “Story Teller”

Do you write the scripts for the “creative’s” indie films or are you that guy who sits on a  tiny chair and reads stories to preschoolers at the local public library on Tuesdays at 10:00 AM?

4) “Reformed”/”Calvinist”

Think of your twitter bio like you’re introducing yourself to someone. As a social norm, the particulars of your soteriology aren’t really the best way to do this. It’s like walking up and saying “Hi, I’m a republican Sagittarius who enjoys reading Kant.” More weird than helpful, see?

5) “Life Coach”

Whew, someone better at life than I am. I need some coaching up about life. Life is tricky. I wonder of they prefer man-to-man or zone? Do they blitz a lot? I hope they don’t do the whole “golf shirt tucked into wind pants” thing. And no visors because that’s Steve Spurrier’s thing.

6) “Reality TV Star”

Reality TV isn’t real, so you are a star at a show that pretends to be real while actually being scripted. Or is it that you are truly more real than the rest of us? I’m so confused.

7) Hashtags 

You #Hashtagged your bio? #NoFreakinWay #ThatsRidiculous #WhyWouldYouDoThat #RiseAndGrind #Winning #NeverQuit #DontStopBelieving #LOL #LetItGo #Blessed #AmIDoingThisRight

8) Exclamation Points

You are just so excited to be you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But your excitement is not contagious.

9) “Social Media Expert” 

You are the marketer for the movies written by the “story teller” and produced by the “creative”, right? It’s either that or you’re the one person under 35 working at your company and you’ve been tasked with running the corporate twitter account.

10) “Jesus Freak”

Follow Jesus. Live for Jesus. Be a disciple of Jesus. But keep your DC Talk music to yourself.

11) “God girl”/”Jesus girl” 

Is this like a redeemed Spice Girl?

12) “Ninja”

Nobody is a social media ninja, fitness ninja, sales ninja, creative ninja, idea ninja, design ninja, or coffee ninja. If, however you are a real ninja, please track down these ridiculous usurpers and dole out some well-earned justice.

13) Fitness Accomplishments

Hey bro, do you lift? Oh never mind it says right there in your bio you do crossfit and are a #Runner (13.1). I hope you always #RiseandGrind. This donut is delicious.