BREAKING: International Missions Board Drops Ban On Speaking Pirate

The Southern Baptists Convention International Mission Board (IMB) is on a roll. Just days after announcing that missionaries aren’t forbidden from speaking in tongues, the IMB has announced that it is no longer banning its missionaries from speaking in pirate.

President David Platt said, “We recognize that, even though Southern Baptists may be uncomfortable with Christians who speak in pirate, we can’t say that speaking in pirate is unbiblical. Yes, there have been abuses of pirate. But, there is a tradition within Orthodox Christianity that believes speaking in pirate is for today. I, for one, can’t say for sure that they are wrong.”

Under previous rules, candidates who had a “private pirate language” were barred from missionary service. Under new rules, speaking in pirate does not automatically disqualify a candidate, although too much emphasis on speaking pirate could lead to discipline.

Former IMB trustee, Wade Burleson, voiced his vigorous opposition to the shift in rules. “Look, if we let pirate talkers in, we’re on a very slippery slope. Soon there will be room for those who Elvish, or even Klingon. Where does it stop?”

Tommy “Bluebeard” Madison, an SBC missionary to Germany, expressed his approval of the rule shift. “Aye, this be a good thing. It were a long time coming, but now I can speak pirate without fear of walking the plank. Methinks the SBC is on track.”

Stephen Altrogge

I'm a husband, dad, writer, & Mixed Martial Arts Salsa Dancing Champion. I created The Blazing Center. I've also written some books which people seem to like.