An Inside Look At Vertical Elevatrix Church During Easter

Brad Powers is the Lead Visionary at Vertical Elevatrix Church. He kindly allowed me to sit in on on of their Easter planning meetings.

BRAD POWERS (Lead Visionary): Alright everyone, let’s take our seats. We’ve got a lot to cover in today’s meeting. It’s only a couple weeks until Super Bowl Sunday – a.k.a. Easter. We need to make sure everything is on track. Heaven and Hell literally hang in the balance. Ben, where are we with the fog machines?

BEN HOPE (Lead Spiritual Experience Facilitator): We’ve run into a few hiccups. Turns out our primary supplier recently went on tour with Beyonce, leaving us in a bit of a bind. Fortunately I’ve got a guy who knows a guy who makes custom fog machines. I ordered 15 Double Density Delights for Easter. I also doubled down on our lasers. We may need to issue protective eye wear to people.

BRAD POWERS: Double density. I like that. We want it to be pretty difficult for people to see each other. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that revival is much more likely to happen when people can’t see each other. Kevin, what’s the status on the band?

KEVIN MILLMAN (Lead Musical Innovator): Man, we are so on track. We just rehearsed last night, and let me say, the montage of “Livin’ On A Prayer”, “Highway To Hell”, “Stairway To Heaven”, and “Footloose” is absolutely on point. I practically got saved a second time just listening to it. And I’ve got an acoustic version of Nirvana’s “Come As You Are” ready for the altar call. We’re gonna close the morning out with “Where The Streets Have No Name”.

BRAD POWERS: Were we able to get U2 themselves to actually do that song?

KEVIN MILLMAN: No. Bono sends his regrets. Something about a world tour. But he did invite you to go skiing with him this winter. Aspen I think.

BRAD POWERS: Typical. He can’t do what really matters so he sends some lame olive branch my way. If I had a dollar for every time he did that, I’d be twice as rich as I am now. Whatever. Denise, what’s the status of the Easter egg hunt?

DENISE EVERETT (Leader Of XPlode Children’s Ministries): On track. Also, the chocolate river you requested should be finished by the end of the week. We are having some difficulties finding enough wall space for all the 120 inch flat screen televisions we purchased, but I think we should be okay. I reached out to Nicholas Cage’s agent about having him play the Easter Bunny, but I still haven’t heard back.

BRAD POWERS: Nicholas Cage? Do you think he’s the right guy? I was thinking of someone with a little more nuance. Tom Hanks maybe?

DENISE EVERETT: Hanks says he won’t do the Easter Bunny. Plus, there aren’t many roles Cage won’t accept. I think we should be okay there. I’m also in talks with David Blane about doing some sort of magic routine for the kids.

BRAD POWERS: As long as he doesn’t do anything freaky, like pull a bunny out of his mouth. Eric, where are we on the t-shirt guns?

ERIC O’KEEFE (Lead Crowd Enthusiator): Finding 120 high-powered t-shirt guns has not been easy. Plus, the first 10 I purchased weren’t powerful enough. They were only capable of firing at 45 mph, as opposed to the 70 mph you requested. But I’ve got a buddy who works for the Department of Defense who says he has access to advanced t-shirt gun technology. He thinks he can hook me up.

BRAD POWERS: Yeah, that 70 mph is a non-negotiable for me. Anything less is pathetic. Few things put the fear of God into people like a t-shirt coming at them at 70 mph. People are gonna love the shirt we created that says, “I am the resurrection”. Mary, what’s the latest on my wardrobe?

MARY WATKINS (Lead Spiritual Stylist): I’ve got 3 outfits picked out for you. The first will be worn during your opening greeting. Skinny jeans, a short sleeve button up – perfect for showing off your tribal tattoo – and kangaroo leather shoes. It communicates open-mindedness, relevance, and welcome. It says to people, “You are welcome, you are not judged, you are free.” The second outfit comes during the sermon. Leather pants, an original Pearl Jam t-shirt, and a fedora. It says, “I’m in control, shut up and listen.” The third outfit is only a satin robe and a thick gold chain. It says, “I’m like you, with my own struggles. I’m real and I’m relatable.”

BRAD POWERS: Very good. My sermon is going to be really powerful. I’m talking about how we all deserve to have some resurrection in our lives. Struggles on the job? Tap into your inner resurrection. Marriage problems? Ain’t nothing a little resurrection can’t fix. Money problems? Resurrect that sh…problem.

I’m also working on a couple stunts that I think will really drive the points home. Mostly involving falcons and flames. Don’t want to spoil the surprise.

Okay, that’s it for now! Go out there and be awesome!!

Stephen Altrogge

I'm a husband, dad, writer, & Mixed Martial Arts Salsa Dancing Champion. I created The Blazing Center. I've also written some books which people seem to like.