A Handy Translation Guide For Christian Facebook Statuses

Okay, we all know that Facebook isn’t real life. But you’re in luck. Today I’m going to be the Facebook whisperer and show you what Christians REALLY mean by their Facebook statuses.

POST: We just got a brand new car! I’m soooooo grateful. #blessed

REAL MEANING: Wow, I feel so guilty for spending this much money on a Lexus. Did we really need this? Yes, we did. Yes, I’m going to turn this into a blessing. I feel good about this!!!! And I need you to affirm that this is a blessing and that I’m not just a rich snob!

POST: Wow, this verse really hit me hard. [accompanied by photo of Bible verse underlined]

REAL MEANING: I know about 10 people who NEED this verse. Hey Jared, you ever heard of kindness? Maybe you should try it sometime. I’m looking at you Eileen! Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.

POST: Daddy date with my little girl! [photo of little girl drinking milkshake]

REAL MEANING: The rest of you are loser dads. THIS IS SHEPHERDING A CHILD’S HEART. Stuff this in your oversized Bible cover!

POST: Tonight I had the cutest conversation with my 3-year old. He asked me to explain the current Trinity debate.

REAL MEANING: Guys my kid is the most godly kid ever thanks to my outstanding parenting, supreme patience, and thorough understanding of counseling. Meanwhile, your kid is watching Calliou and stuffing goldfish crackers up his nose. Gotta go! Now he wants me to explain the Council Of Trent! lol

POST: THIS. [accompanied by a link to an article]

REAL MEANING: I didn’t really read this article, but I like the title and suspect that the article will make me look either smarter or more godly. Plus the picture is cool.

POST: Date with THIS hottie!!!! [accompanied by photo of wife]

REAL MEANING: Yes, this is our first date night in 6 months, but clearly I’m crushing this marriage thing and I want you to appreciate my wife in a non-creepy, totally platonic way.

POST: This is outrageous! [accompanied by link to article from dubious news source]

REAL MEANING: I’m not judging, and I’m not being self-righteous, and I’m not looking down my nose, but I am SO GLAD I’m not like those pagan heathens. They probably sacrifice live bats in their living rooms and then drink the blood.

POST: I just love these little crazies! [accompanied by photo of kids]

REAL MEANING: These kids are literally driving me crazy. I’m hiding in the cupboard under our kitchen sink, eating an entire bag of Oreos. I think I just hallucinated a small penguin. Send help.

POST: Finally some peace and quiet after getting the kids finally to bed. [photo of wine]

REAL MEANING: It is 11 pm and my two-year old finally fell asleep after I sang him the Daniel Tiger song for an hour straight. Pass the bottle.

Stephen Altrogge

I'm a husband, dad, writer, & Mixed Martial Arts Salsa Dancing Champion. I created The Blazing Center. I've also written some books which people seem to like.