Christian reality TV is kind of a big deal these days. Whether it’s Preachers of Detroit or It Takes A Church (starring Natalie Grant), television producers have finally realized that us Christians like reality TV too.
Now I’m getting into the game. Here are 10 Christian reality shows that need to be made. Producers, if you want in on any of these, call my agent (who I don’t have…yet.)
Celebrity Pastor Apprentice – 12 up and coming pastors compete in a furious, drama-driven battle for the title of “Celebrity Pastor”. Every week an established celebrity pastor (Steven Furtick, T.D. Jakes, etc.) presents the apprentices with a new challenge. Those challenges include:
- Achieving the perfect tan.
- Who can put the most cultural references in a single sermon.
- The hair gel sculpting challenge.
- Most spontaneous baptisms.
- And much, much more.
So You Think You Can’t Dance – 8 zealous Fundamentalist youth come together to show just how much they hate dancing, card playing, and the theater. Contestants will demonstrate their moral superiority through not dancing, talking about movies they haven’t and will never see, and playing Scrabble. Courtships will blossom as the youth come close to one another without ever touching or talking.
Calvinist Cage Match – 18 cage-stage Calvinists engage in vicious theological combat every week. Tempers will flare, heresies will be destroyed, and long blog posts will be written. The stages include:
- Make everything about Romans 9.
- The John Piper sermon marathon.
- Watch blogger beatdown.
- I can quote Calvin more than you.
- And much, much more…
What Not To Wear (Pastoral Edition) – Every week, a hopelessly fashion challenged pastor is accosted and given a wardrobe makeover. Plaid and khaki are out and skinny jeans are IN! Based on their church budgets, pastors receive a substantial sum of money (usually around $50) to spend on clothes recommended by a certified church stylists. There will be laughs, tears, and many deep lessons learned. Your heart will be warmed.
Heaven’s Kitchen – Nine aspiring casserole makers are thrown together into a chaotic battle for Pyrex supremacy. Famed casserole maker Wilmeth Jones will unleash her sharp tongue and cutting wit on the unexpected contestants, bringing many to tears and some to apostasy. Be ready to be SHOCKED!
America’s Next Top Worship Leader – 15 rising star worship leaders compete in weekly challenges for the title of America’s Top Worship Leader. These worship leaders come from every denomination and background, and sparks are sure to fly! Challenges include:
- Add another chord to a Hillson worship song.
- Sing higher than Chris Tomlin.
- Organ battle.
- Try to sing this old hymn.
- And much more…
The Real Homeschool Wives Of Lancaster County – Set in the idyllic Lancaster countryside, 12 real homeschool wives compete in a battle of Proverbs 31 supremacy. Challenges include:
- The homemade bread bakeoff.
- The ludicrous Latin memory challenge.
- Square dance battle.
- And so much more…
Children’s Ministry Survivor – Things are going to get wild and crazy when 10 parents are locked in classrooms with 80 crazy children. Armed with only a 10-pound box of goldfish crackers, a tub of Elmer’s glue, and a box of Lego’s, the parents must survive this Lord of the Flies scenario. Every week, the contestant who performs most poorly in the “Pirate Sing-A-Long” challenge is booted off the show.
American Idolater – In this zany, wacky game show, contestants square off in a highly charged CCM lip-sync battle. The contestant who performs the best rendition of songs by Carman, Amy Grant, Sandi Patti, old Ray Bolz, pre-apostasy Jennifer Knapp, and other CCM legends, wins a cash prize of $800 and the title of the next American Idolater.
Not Dating At First Sight – Things are about to get awkward as young couples fall in love, hang out in groups, and don’t date each other. The drama will be high as hearts are broken, hopes are kindled, and first kisses never happen. With a new guest host every week (Josh Harris, Gary Chapman, John Eldredge, Rebecca St. James), this is bound to be a sure winner with young and old alike.
Keeping Up With The Prosperity Preachers – The money! The glitz! The glamour! The promises! The faith! Things are about to get out of hand as prosperity preachers and their families keep naming and claiming the abundant health and wealth that God has promised all Christians. Only watch this one if you don’t struggle with jealousy!
This was a collaborative effort between Barnabas and me…