Spiritual abuse is a scary subject that we have to talk about.
What is spiritual abuse?
Spiritual abuse is when a spiritual leader, such as a pastor, uses their power and influence to manipulate and control people. A spiritual abuser is not concerned with promoting the well-being of those he serves. Rather, he’s only interested in how people can further his plans and agenda.
Over the last year, I’ve read a number of books about incredible, powerful, visionary people who achieved incredible things, only to have everything fall apart due to their own self-destruction.
I’ve read sobering stories of bad pastors who inflicted spiritual abuse (Jimmy Bakker), deceitful startup founders (Elizabeth Holmes), and obsessive athletes (Tiger Woods).
I’ve also witnessed the profoundly destructive power of bad pastors and spiritual abuse first hand.
What struck me as I read these books was that in both the “secular” world and the church, destructive leadership tends to look the same. In other words, the same things that caused Jimmy Bakker to implode also led to the downfall of Elizabeth Holmes and her company “Theranos” (once valued at $1 billion).
And Tiger Woods, though not necessarily a “leader” in the same sense as a pastor or CEO, imploded for many of the same reasons.
More and more, it’s critically important to be able to identify spiritually abusive, dangerous, destructive pastors BEFORE everything falls apart.
Few things cause Christians to become disillusioned more than being ripped to pieces by spiritual abuse in the church. Few things do more to sully the name of Jesus more than abusive spiritual leaders.
Dave Harvey puts it this way:
There are few things more dangerous to a church than a pastor who is extraordinarily endowed on the gifting side and extraordinarily deficient on the character side. That guy is a decaying tie rod waiting to break. The progress can be impressive until character collapses.
Here are six bright red warning signs of spiritual abuse.
- He surrounds himself with “yes” people
- Critics are isolated
- Loyalty is prized over diversity
- Refusing accountability
- Leading by force of personality
- Refusing to believe anything is wrong
Spiritual Abuse Warning Sign #1: A Bad Pastor Surrounds Himself With “Yes” People
Godly spiritual leadership is about helping people move from where they are to where God wants them to be. It’s a wonderful thing when a leader desires to see people going full-throttle for God.
As Richard Blackaby puts it in his book Spiritual Leadership:
Unfortunately, what often happens is that pastors and spiritual leaders conflate God’s plans with their own plans. What often starts as good and godly ambitions can curdle into spoiled, selfish ambitions, which then leads to spiritual abuse.
They say they want to gather thousands of people and create massive movements and do giant things “for God”. In reality, it’s more about creating something that will shine the white-hot spotlight on them instead of God (even though they might not recognize it as such).
The problem with this (apart from the obvious pride and glory stealing), is that creating massive movements requires massive amounts of momentum. To generate momentum, everyone has to be on board, eager to make the pastor’s vision a reality.
Those who challenge the pastor and the vision only slow things down, making it really difficult to pick up speed and achieve the “big things”.
And so spiritually abusive leaders and pastors surround themselves with people who always say, “Yes.” Those guilty of spiritual abuse are quick to speak and slow to listen, and they need people who will always back them up. The inner circle – those closest – will support every decision the pastor makes, no matter how destructive or ludicrous.
Warning Sign #2: Critics Are Isolated
This is closely tied to the previous point. Not only are critics cut out of the spiritual abuser’s inner circle, they are also isolated. After all, the leader can’t afford to have critics talking behind his back.
And so they do everything they can to isolate and discredit critics, smearing their character, accusing them of lacking faith, saying their understanding of the Bible is wrong, and even spreading lies about them. The pastor guilty of spiritual abuse wants his followers to have nothing to do with critics and seeks to discredit them as ungodly sinners who are holding back God’s plans.
The sad reality is that those labeled “critics” often start as close confidants of the pastor, but once they begin to push back, they are cut off. Instead of being able to provide guardrails for the roaring ambition of the bad pastor, they are sidelined and slandered.
Abuse Warning Sign #3: Loyalty Is Prized Over Diversity
In order for a church or spiritual movement to be healthy, a diversity of opinions is required. In Christ, we are all priests to God, filled with the Holy Spirit, and given unique gifts to build up the church.
But this doesn’t work for the spiritually abusive pastor or spiritual leader. Diversity leads to dissent, which slows momentum and keeps him from achieving his grandiose plans. He doesn’t want a variety of opinions, he wants loyalty. You’re either in or out, for or against.
And if you’re not all in, you’re accused of being disloyal. Of not being a team player. Of being a naysayer and downer. Of not believing in the mission.
Those who are loyal are promoted to positions of honor, while those who criticize are ostracized. Spiritual abuse often deploys shame and fear and bullying against those who aren’t loyal.
A sure sign that things are going downhill is when everyone in leadership thinks, acts, and even speaks alike. Additionally, if the leadership team gets smaller and smaller, it’s a sign that the pastor is hoarding power and promoting only the most loyal followers.
Spiritual Abuse Warning Sign #4: Refusing Accountability
A spiritually abusive pastor or leader doesn’t like to be held accountable for his decisions. Because of this, he’ll take actions specifically designed to minimize accountability. Often times, this involves creating odd leadership structures where those who are supposed to hold the pastor accountable are unable to do it.
They (the accountability) may be misled or kept in the dark about the leader’s actions. Or, when push comes to shove, they may lack the formal power to hold the pastor accountable.
The result is that it may look like he’s being held accountable when in reality he can do whatever he wants. When spiritual abuse is present in the church, accountability is almost always lacking.
Warning Sign #5: The Pastor Leads By Force Of Personality
This one is a little trickier to evaluate and should be examined in conjunction with the previous signs. Spiritual abuse can be a subtle thing. Most bad pastors don’t seem like bad pastors. They’re often charming, dynamic, and even visionary. They are forces of nature, charismatic, able to inspire people to do hard things.
But the personality is often a facade, whitewash splashed over a tomb. On the surface, they appear to be prophets with a direct connection to God. In reality, they’re deceivers who don’t fear the Lord.
It’s the dynamic personality that often causes people to allow destructive spiritual abuse to go on for far too long. They can’t reconcile the Jekyll and Hyde nature of the bad pastor, and so they endure spiritual abuse and hope things will get better.
Spiritual Abuse Warning Sign #6: They Refuse To Believe Anything Is Wrong
Sadly, most bad pastors refuse to believe that anything is wrong with their leadership style or the way things are headed. They remain convinced that everything is great, up until the point that everything falls apart.
And even if they do harbor doubts, they certainly don’t share them with others. That would be an admission of wrong, of fallibility, of weakness, of insecurity. It would be an acknowledgment that maybe, just maybe, God isn’t on their side. And so they are always full of bluster and bravado, making grand claims about how swimmingly things are going.
The result is that things go from bad to worse to total implosion. Many people get hurt, the Lord’s name is dragged through the mud, and the movement usually falls apart. Even if it doesn’t, it’s only a shell of its former “glory”.
Don’t Tolerate Spiritual Abuse
If you suspect that your pastor is a spiritual abuser, don’t hope that things will get better. That rarely, if ever happens.
Instead, talk to someone outside your normal circle of friends and ask their opinion. Share specifics with them, including all the red flags. Getting an outside perspective is helpful because it can be hard to make sense of everything when you’re in the middle of it. Additionally, bad pastors are often manipulators, able to explain away every action, no matter how egregious.
Whatever you do, don’t tolerate spiritual abuse. It will leave you hurt, disillusioned, and feeling betrayed.
God has better things for you. Joy will come in the morning.
Read next:
- What Does It REALLY Mean To Be A Stumbling Block?
- A Guide To Walking In God’s Will In Every Decision
- 16 Mighty Prayers For Children God Delights To Answer
- What Does It Mean To Fear God? Probably Not What You Think
- If It’s Spiritual Vs. Religious, I’ll Take Spiritual Every Time
- 5 Spiritual Disciplines That Will Change Your Life
Sounds like you were describing our president…D.T.
I agree..That describes our current president….wow!
Well, that wasn’t intentional but there may certainly be some similarities.
So can you leave the church in this case? And how can you not gossip by telling others of the reason?
Oh wow! You just described my church and pastor to a tee. Thank you so much. This article has set me free. I’m not crazy, or a troublemaker. God bless you for your wisdom.
I had the same thought!
I don’t believe so Kathryn. Steve was describing what is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). There is a big difference between NPD where one is born without a conscience and someone who grew up in Palm Beach who never had to struggle. The latest study on clergy, found that 1 in 3 have pathological traits of NPD (Hand, G. & Puhls, D..) This study was on the Canadian Presbyterian Church. The people Steve was describing in the article are dangerous. Within the Reformed camp little has been done collectively to understand mental illness let alone these high conflict people who seek out leadership positions to lord it over people that they see as pawns. These people are in a fight for their own glory and their fight is with God Himself.
There is a big difference between an confident extrovert and someone who is devious and evil to the core.
I have been married to a Narcissistic pastor for 17 years! I found this article because I needed to see what spiritual abuse look so like as I have been enduring that too. His most recent message was preached at me to correct me when it is really him rebelling against God. These people are monsters and have no place in the house of God! I am now seeking to end this nightmare, but I am so worried about the people that trust him. They are the most crafty and evil people you will find and people don’t have a clue. Get away fast!
Can you share with me more about this
Oh my gosh, Dr! I just told my friend/pastor of nearly 3 years this the other day! I told him that he has this type of behavior! He in turn told me that I was bipolar and needed medical treatment. We were back and forth about well over 2 hours. I have been blunt and honest with him since day one! I don’t sugarcoat. He says I have no filter. I have been like that practically my entire life being brutally honest, so therefore, I don’t have many friends. There’s more but this is just scraping the surface. I fell so hard from the church and God when I realized what had been going on. I haven’t attended a service in 3 weeks going on a month. I was loyal and faithful to God first then the ministry. However, I am rebuilding my relationship with God gradually. I pray for the pastor and am still straightforward with him as a friend. He has been hurt a lot and I believe he is lashing out at innocent people who don’t have a clue. God has given me many chances and I will have mercy on the pastor. I am sure this sounds contradictory to say the least. God is healing my heart and restoring me, hence having compassion, whatever one may call it!
Hi, sounds like what I am going through now. How are things now?
Whatever you do don’t stop attending service and don’t step down from ministry and lastly don’t gossip about any of it simply take it to God in prayer lay it at the feet of Jesus and pray that your pastor will be dealt with by God in the perfect will of God so that he can brought to a place of redemption. Most of all pray that your heart and mind is guarded from the enemy who seeks to sow discord and cause you to stumble. It is designed to take you out don’t let it! Trust me. Ive lost my family, my ministry, my marriage and my deliverance the day I walked out of the church I was serving at faithfully for over 12 years. It caused me to backslide and lose my way even though the pastor was eventually set down by his pastor and another was brought in it was too late for me. Its been a long hellish road back to find my self again in Gods graces but I’ve lost so many relationships and so much of my testimony. It is just not worth it! So please pray that you do not weary in well doing. Each one of us will be held accountable to God for how we handle these types of things. Pastoral abuse is very wicked and God will deal w it and as long as you keep your eyes on Jesus not trusting in man but God alone then you don’t have to suffer as I have, may God bless you always!
The president comments are ridiculous.
Now just think of Obama… same thing, right? Don’t even think of Hilary! Whew!
Absolutely. Although he’s a narcissistic sociopath but the description is very similar. Also comparable to a cult of any kind. The leader being much like dt, RHubbard, JJones, etc. Scary. Even scarier a tiny chunk of population still believes.
Really, this isn’t the place to start a political fiasco. Get over yourselves when you are bringing god and the church into question.
this situation is eating me up in many ways n I need advice!!!!
I have an older brother who became a youth minister in 2004- in 2005 when Katrina hit through deception (only 3ppl was in room the day he lied) he went from poor to rich over night, he was advised to invest this huge amount of money which he did, than he went from youth minister to missionary not for the love of God you see but bc it gav him a monthly income of $5000 so he put all what I call Katrina $$$ into investments n lived off the missionary income!!!! It’s now 2019 my brother is now a millionaire still living off missionary income he has everything hidden so well like his 2 story home is n his daughters name my brothers smart if one comes asking questions they want find anything but what hurts me the most besides using God, denying it, banning ppl he deems below him n etc is he now has a doctors degree as a misinister but he’s very deceiving evil in fact he jus convinced r parents to change their WILLs n leav him all their money which is over $200000 which they didn’t want to do they cried so hard they wanted all their kids to have $$$$ when they pass but he put them in a position where they had to!!!! My brother hates those he deems below him, if he wants something he takes n expects it!!!!! He uses everyone he never pays for anything doctors, vacations nothing bc he has rich friends that give him all this!!!! He refuses to help anyone he says they can help theirselves he’s not giving away his money n being poor again!!!!! Once he was gonna pay for me go to college n hire me to be his assistant as a single mother of 4 I was so relieved but b4 I could I had to follow what I call my brother bible of rules I refused I follow God not him so he refused to help me, a few yrs ago when I left my abusive hub n fled to my parents w my kids my brother went through the roof tried have DHS take my kids n hav me put out jus bc I was at my parents, I’m not the only one anyone he deems below him he has done this to infact we hav a mentally disabled brother my minister bro had him put in jail, the list goes on n on!!! He has 4 kids he has banned the oldest for not following his rules!!!! Lots ppl see who he really is but bc he has so many power yes ppl they r scared or either like me when they confront him he’s such a good manipulator he will hav u feeling like ur in the wrong!!!!! I can tell u so much more but it take all day I’m not good at writing what’s In my head down so I hope I wrote good enough to see what I’m talking about with my brother!!!! He’s evil, he is all the above 6 he is the biggest spiritual abuser I know but he’s still my brother n it hurts so bad to see him act this way!!!! Since he has gotten all that money he has accused me n others of being thieves, druggies n etc n it’s all lies but he tells this to others his 4 kids were raised believing the lies till they got older n seen for themselves it was all lies!!!! His 4 kids r between the ages of 16-24 n they r doing really bad things n it scares me I tried tell my brother but he went off on me said I’m telling lies on his kids n etc!!!! It’s a sad sad situation n since 2005 it’s been eating at me I jus recently stopped having anything to do w him I refuse to go to his house for holidays or get togetherness which makes him mad bc he said he has done so much for me that I have no right to ignore him!!! (He has literally done nothing for me at all but cause me pain). I can see how this is causing me to turn away from God which I do not want to do so this is only thing I know to do he want listen to me!!!! He has since moved my parents out there w him n will only let us see them on his terms n they fear him so much they agree he has taken everything they own into his own name!!!! This is a sad situation n it really hurts how he’s a millionaire n taking money from those who giv to fund missionaries!!!! Right now he’s enjoying a trip to Europe while some low income families probably took all they had to giv to their church to help fund the missionaries!!!!! I know this is a long long story but I had to share to jus get it off my chest!!!!!
Wrong about DT. This man is brutally honest and suffers for it . you need to understand the foundations of freedom and stop worrying about the sympathy train that the Democrats have you on which is the road to destruction and silencing of people all in the name of power under the guise and falsehood of sympathy. read The destruction of compassion- using the government for your good works is the thee most destructive evil force on earth . Stop using my tax dollars for your lazy ass way idea of good works. I have my own charities and they are much more useful and productive than your big government ideas.
Do not bring the wages of a dog or a prostitute into the temple.
Kathryn what a unchristian comment to state on this forum, when it is talking about church spiritual abuse. I also disagree with you. You have a right to what you believe. And I will not discuss political differences on this form. I pray you search your heart!
Every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. Matthew 12:36
Sorry Kathryn, but you really missed it with your comment. First off, no one mentioned (now) former president D. T. And I wasn’t going to either, but since you did……I guess you think badly of him for being the most pro-life President in history, creating more jobs for blacks and women than any other president ever, making us oil and gas independent, making our southern border more secure than ever, keeping us safe when we were threatened by North Korea, acknowledging America’s need for Almighty God in every speech, and the list goes on and on. And that was done while constantly being falsely accused by the liberal left, of things he’d never done. (Remember, we now have solid evidence the “Russian collusion “ was nothing but a hoax.) I can only imagine how much better off we’d be right now if he was still president instead of the one that is. The so-called president now purposely undid all the good Donald Trump did and look where it’s gotten us. I’ll pray your eyes get opened so you can see the truth.
I’m thinking there are varying degrees of “bad”. A former pastor comes to mind who had many of these flaws; although it was not complete and total in any of the 6. For example, he didn’t refuse accountability or keep out diversity, but he did discipline some members who differed from him or he disciplined before listening to the member in question – making assumptions about behavior and choices.
I agree that there are certainly degrees here. Eventually you have to decide whether they are bad enough to warrant action.
Thank you so much Stephen for this article and letting the Lord use you! I am looking forward to reading more of your literature! God bless you, br0ther!
I been through everything you just talked about and you hit the nail right on the head. This pastor and I were good friends until I try to tell him about something he needed to be corrected on. I was the Chairman of the Deacon board. I believe you should always surround yourself with people who are going to tell you the truth whether you like it or not. That’s a true friend.
I agree. If you only surround yourself with people who tell you what you want to hear, you’ll never grow.
Good observations. Our church had an ex-minister who sought to undermine the then current pastor by nourishing sinful thoughts and attitudes of various members against the then minister. He was so nice and so supportive of the pastor to his face, but behind his back he would agree with any and all criticisms of him, fanning the flames of discent. Always he would seek to get the member to vocalise the issue while he remained silent in the background (various reasons for this given). He was very liberal, sat in authority over the Word of God and sought to question and weaken the faith of believers rather than encourage and build them up. He was very destructive, but also very popular with those who only sought a social club type church.
It also seems one common trait in all six mentioned by yourself is that of PRIDE and self-love. The focus of the minister is themselves and not Christ. They point people to themselves, ther teaching and ministry and rarely ever seek to glorify Christ in humility.
You’re right – pride seems to be the thing that flows through all these attributes.
Thank you for posting this – it’s been really helpful. Points 1-6 are unfortunately why I felt I needed to leave my previous church last year….
I’m very sorry to hear that. So painful.
It was a tough decision, but thankfully the right one…. God has been very kind….
I read through these six warning signs, hoping that maybe two of the six would apply, proving to me that what my family was put through really wasn’t so bad. Nope. All six. The more I read, the sicker I felt. How do we communicate this to the ones we love who are still there? They don’t see it.
I’m so sorry to hear that. Honestly, I don’t think you can make people “see” things. The only thing you can do is pray that God opens their eyes.
So I recently sat through a message, where the visiting minister said unless you can say that the church has been disconnected from Christ, you shouldn’t leave. If I’m seeing these things you wrote about in my church and pastor, how do I sift through THAT advice?
Well it’s certainly not easy. I think if you’re seeing these signs in your church, it should at least raise some red flags for you.
I’m going through the same thing, how did things turn out for you?
First, I must say, the warning signs of spiritual abuse are define so clearly in this article. There are many good pastors, but there are also many bad ones. I’m a firm believer that God is gonna judge spiritual leaders more harsher than members of a congregation. In my opinion, spiritual abuse means a spiritual authority or abusive pastor, tries to control people by some type of action (holding things over their heads) to make sure they keep them submissive and agreeing with them. Spiritual abuse is strictly connected with spiritual manipulation and is not God’s plan for promoting spiritual growth. I also believe if you have to say “yes” to everything, you’re in a cult and God isn’t in it.
This article is so on point for today’s churches. Members of congregations can see these type of things happening and turn their heads away. You and I both know that God is not pleased. Christians are too afraid to speak out about bad pastors because, they have been brainwashed that God will inflict some type of punishment on them. It’s sad to see how God’s people will look up to man per se and never realize that Jehovah God is the true Creator of the Universe. I do agree that all things are to be done decent and in order, no one should ever be slammed or slandered. It’s up to Christians to make sure that there is accountability and transparency throughout the ministry that they are apart of.
Leadership has become so important to me because each generation is so different. They are growing wiser, but weaker. If society keeps going like it’s going who will be here to stand for right. I’ve started writing about “leaders and leadership and I have published books on this subject. Please check out my author’s page at Amazon.com?
This is a perfect description of Donald Trump.
I don’t agree. I watch many round table discussions he has held. He listens to experts in the field. He appoints people who are successful and highly respected to tackle the big problems. He is a problem solver who directs and holds people accountable. I’m sure he’s a tough guy to work for but a leader who gets results is someone you want working for you, especially in the toxic environment of Washington D.C. I’ve worked for a tough pastor and it made me better. That’s different than the 6 points listed here.
Hi John, please see my comment to Kathryn further up.
Thanks
Thank you so much for this, Stephen. It means a great deal to us as we recently left our SGC church, having experienced all of the things you mentioned. Knowing your history (somewhat) makes it that more meaningful to us to have you say all that you’ve said. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you to do.
So sorry you guys experienced this. I know it must have been incredibly difficult.
This message is incredible. Many church of God have been turned upside down because of spiritual abuse( speaking from a first hand experience) but thank God for Holy spirit that intervene before damages could be done. In these latter days God will pour the Holy spirit on the body of His son(Jesus Christ) and every spirit of leviathans that are dividing the church will be bound in fire. Thank God for the wisdom He gave to you to share this message. More anointing on you sir
Spiritual abuse is a real thing, and I agree, it should not be tolerated. What I did not hear is how important it is to pray. It is easy to point fingers and judge, but much more effective to pray for the Pastor and the sheep He/She are leading. We do not war against flesh and blood. Let’s BE the church and lift one another up. If Leaving a church body is the only solution, then do so committed to pray. Pastors are prime targets for the enemy. Love always triumphs over evil.
BTW… throwing digs at our president makes us just like the world 🙁
Yes, we really really must pray. I totally agree. And I wasn’t trying to throw digs at the president. I was just responding to what had been said.
To say this is the president is just wrong. He doesn’t claim to be a pastor or a spiritual leader of any kind. Wow. I go to a church that appears this way and have never been able to articulate the issue. Thank you for putting into words what my heart already knew. I left once before and this certainly helps me see that was right to do and I will now go for good. Sad.
I’m glad it was helpful. And I think people were just saying there may be some similarities in leadership style with the president. You’re right – he doesn’t claim to be a spiritual leader.
Stephen,
Is it possible that you are addressing your history in SGM while casting it in a general light? If yes, the generality could lead to unfavorable judgment about any pastor/spiritual leader who is leading a large or growing work. Any disagreement with a leader could be cast as an issue of the pastor’s pride.
Churches that function as an eldership rather than congregationally are ripe to be accused of abuse and of being “yes men.” Likewise, pastors of churches in “movements” are subject to being assigned all of the qualities and faults of whomever is/was most prominent in that movement. It amounts to sinful judging.
It would be better (IMO) to just identify whom/who you’re speaking of, so that a rash of “this describes my pastor(s)” doesn’t break out.
Finally, for those who have been out of a movement for years, yet still addressing the problems of where they no longer are, I’m not sure the Lord aligns with the continual interest and disparaging of that which you’re no longer apart… and have filtered/limited knowledge of where that group/movement is today.
Pastors, churches, and movements adjust, improve, and revise their thinking and behavior after confronting sin and bad patterns, just as I’d hope you and I do. We are not the same person we were 10 years ago. We’ve worked through the sins and foibles from back then, and now we’re working on our current, hopefully improved selves.
We shouldn’t have to continually respond to questions about our sin from 10 years past.
Hopefully, most of us are not currently sitting in churches where points 1-6 apply. If so, we can be prayerful as we humbly bring the issue(s) before the elders. And if we cannot find common ground, we can humbly move on, without disparaging the place that we left.
Besides, why cast your pearls before folks unless you have a loving desire that they blessed by changing their sinful ways. If it’s just publicly sharing your opinion about their sin, that seems counterproductive. I’ve seen too many people wander in their search for a church because they bring their judgement about their previous church into every new situation. Plus, it keeps you focused on “them” years later, when you could be pouring your life into your current church.
Greet your dad for me! He’s a hero of mine, and from what I hear, a great pastor with none of the 1-6 faults! ? ??
Hey Jay!
I appreciate your thoughts. I actually wasn’t really writing about my experience in SGM and wasn’t trying to disparage the movement. I was writing based on a bunch of things, including people I’ve talked to, books I’ve read, and some personal experiences I had in my own church (not SGM broadly).
I don’t feel comfortable talking about SGM, or any movement as a whole. Movements are different than churches. While there certainly can be abuses in movements, it seems to cause the most *personal* damage in churches. I hope that makes sense.
How do you know my dad?
Stephen, I know your dad and Mom from coming out to Lord of Life Church a couple of times. I actually met you and your brother and had lunch at your house. 🙂
Plus, your dad’s music is the primary soundtrack of most of my Christian life.
He and I chatted recently about these issues. I have the highest respect for everything about your dad.
That would be great if every abusive pastor was like that, but the truth is, many are not. To say that all once abusive pastors have repented, and changed, and 10 years later, are no longer abusive, is very presumptuous. In my experience I’ve seen them grow more abusive over time, not less. (Of course there are exceptions to that). If surrounded by people that close their eyes to abuse, and put them on a pedestal or won’t confront them, even when the abuse is obvious, these pastors let it go their heads, and unless they’re stopped, it will only get worse. I’ve had a pastor who’s held something I did over fifteen years ago against me; I repented all those years ago and have never done anything like that again, and have tried to forget and move on, but he’s held it over my head by mentioning it in what he thinks is a roundabout way, in sermons, (without actually saying my name, but staring directly at me while he says it). Funny that pastors want grace for themselves but often don’t extend grace to the flock. AND he has never once confronted me to my face about it, I know someone else told him without me knowing until later, but still he thinks it’s okay to announce it to the church in a sneaky way. I fell because I’d been betrayed and was hurting deeply and had no one to talk to, and that’s NO excuse for what I did, but it wasn’t like me at all, and totally out of character. Important thing is I know Gods forgiven me, but the pastor never did and treated me like a second class citizen of that church. I quietly left because from past experience I know he’s already formed an opinion about me, and he doesn’t want to forgive me or forget. Talking to him would not change his mind and might make it worse. I learned a friend had tried to talk with him years ago but he ended up taking the side of her husband (now her ex) who’d been beating her up and destroying her personal property for years. I saw the aftermath of one of those attacks with my own eyes!! I’m nothing like the woman I was back then. The irony is since I left he’d be the type to talk about me and how I didn’t do it the right way (if your neighbor offends you first go to him in private….), but he’s never confronted me first in private, and has never modeled the right way himself. It’s hard to continue to sit under a pastor who knows there’s gossip running amok, rumors spreading like wildfire, and instead of him putting a stop to it, he actually joins in. I’ve seen him do it. Unless someone has himself, or herself, been on the receiving end of spiritual abuse by someone in authority in a church, they think we’re all just being overly sensitive or critical. But we are the ones that often kept it to ourselves, because we didn’t want to hurt the people we went to church with, or talk bad about the leadership. We often had no one to share it with (besides God of course, but sometimes we need people too). Because we didn’t run and tell everyone, it was assumed that WE were the troublemakers once things became more obvious, and it got harder to hide that something was there but couldn’t put their finger on it. But it’s because we refused to engage in conversations about what we were going through, that no one knew the details about what drove us to leave when we did. When I first got saved I too assumed those that left were backslidden; I no longer automatically assume that about any of them. I give the benefit of the doubt that it might not have been their fault or anything THEY did wrong. I also make sure to contact them and let them know I care. I keep lines of communication open, if they ever want to talk about it, but I never push. I once looked forward to going to church and couldn’t wait until Sundays, but after years of verbal abuse I got weary from the ongoing bullying, and am happier at home alone with God, unless and until He leads me elsewhere. Don’t get me wrong, I still love God and His people, and my Savior Jesus Christ, and always will. Just because I left doesn’t mean I don’t miss many of them. When we have no choice but to leave, WE might get called backsliders, or rebels, when most of us aren’t like that at all. It’s assumed that if anything happens it can’t be the pastors fault, but they don’t know the abuse behind the scenes, when no one else is around. My pastor said so many hurtful things; if someone said those same things to his daughters, he’d have their head!! He was careful to never say things if someone else was there. If a pastor gets caught in a lie, for example, it’s easy for them to excuse it, because after all, they’re “only human”. But if they’re “only human” then WHY don’t they admit that they’re capable of doing anything wrong? Or why do people put them on a pedestal in the first place? Humans should not be put on pedestals!! Respect them? Absolutely!! But treat them as if they can never be wrong? And yet, that’s the attitude of many churchgoers while one of their own is being mistreated by that same pastor, and they just sit by and act like it never happened. If a member of a church constantly badmouths a pastor and spreads rumors about him, that member will be called in, and if it doesn’t stop, they’ll be asked to leave. And that’s how it should be. But if a pastor is doing the same things to someone under his authority, most of the time nothing is done to protect the one being accused or maliciously talked about. His chosen ones will rally around him and usually won’t even hold him accountable. They won’t even entertain the notion that the pastor could be wrong. Now they’re telling me how much they miss me, but treated me like an outcast almost the whole time I was there. Where was the love back then? It just feels like it’s too little, too late!
Stephen, the “?” and “??” At the end were supposed to be a smiling face and a Peace Sign! I guess the iPhone emojis don’t work here.
Great article except for this bit: “In order for a church or spiritual movement to be healthy, a diversity of opinions is required.”
We need to be careful with this type of statement. If you mean for it to dovetail in with your next sentence, which correctly promotes the need for various gifts within the church in order to build up the church, then yes, we need all of those different gifts.
But, if you mean a variety of viewpoints, opinions, doctrines, etc., then a resounding no. The church doesn’t need an “opinion”: it needs the truth of God’s Word!
I think you mean the former, but folk could very easily extrapolate the latter, and that’s deadly…
I agree with you. I did not mean a variety of false doctrines! Just the true word of God. Although I think there can be room for disagreement depending on the doctrine. Obviously, certain ones are non-negotiable, but others (like paedo vs. creedal baptism) don’t need to drive a wedge between brothers and sisters in Christ.
I have been a pastor for 30 years. Every pastor has a multitude of voices coming at him at the same time. A few of these voices are abusers themselves. If the pastor doesn’t bend to their will they label him a “bad pastor” under these categories. Of all the pastors I’ve known only a very few would legitimately fit into this description. Far more common are the few bad members who abuse the pastor. Almost every pastor I know has experienced some of that. Hebrews 13:17 encourages the church to work with their leaders for the good of all. When anybody wants to label someone a “bad pastor”, they should first look into their own hearts.
If offering counsel to the brethren, it should be complete. Maybe rather than agreeing with criticism of our president, you could gently remind them of Gods instructions in Romans 13 regarding government leaders.
Well, this post wasn’t really about the President. So I didn’t particularly want to get into a discussion about it.
I left a ministry I loved because the leader was all six of these examples and more. I went to the church and received no help. Healing from this abuse is long and slow. I ask the Lord to use the circumstances for good.
That place of lack of accountability many fall there.
There are other bad qualities of bad pastoral leaders if I may shed abit of light on them .
Immortality especially sexual promiscuity I.e prostitution,pedophiling minors,masterbation,e.t.c.
Spiritual witchcraft using the anointing vested upon them.
Nepotism especially where family members hold key positions in the church leadership.
Respecting and compartmentalization of members as per their earnings!
Fighting other men of God especially those who are anointed than them especially in miracle working.
It is only maturity and endurance that can keep believers in some churches.
I am not out to attack anybody because there are men of God who are respectable.
My husband and I attended a church where the pastor exhibited all the above characteristics. We left, along with quite a few other people. What saddens me are the people who still attend this church and don’t realize how they are being manipulated and treated.
Most people who don’t agree with their leaders are rebels.
Old men dream dreams and it becomes the vision for young men to attain.
I believe that what you have posted here only encourages disloyalty in churches.
Did you know that our loyalty is to God, and not to man? There’s a scripture that says “follow me AS I follow Christ “
(Spoken by the apostle Paul; 1 Corinthians 11:1). Paul was saying “as long as I AM following Christ”….We are not to follow ANY leadership blindly. Not all pastors are following Christ. I’m sure most pastors have hearts for God, but many others have made a kingdom unto themselves. Please give Christian church-goers more credit than that. I for one didn’t leave until I was SURE it was the right thing to do. I overlooked a LOT, and kept a lot to myself, praying through it all. I was always respectful of the pastor, even though he was verbally abusing me for years, even from the pulpit in a sneaky way. It started out very subtly; I even thought I was imagining it at first, then he got more and more abusive over time. The more I overlooked, the bolder he got. He never mentioned names publicly from the pulpit but had a way of staring directly at the person he was talking about so that it wasn’t hard to tell. Once a pastor says or implies something about you, whether in a board meeting , or from a pulpit, even if it’s not true, it’s impossible to defend yourself to a group that believes everything the pastor says MUST be true. He always made his most cutting remarks when no one was close by to witness it. He knew that I knew what he was doing, but that made it even more entertaining for him. Finally, God said to wipe the dust off my feet and GO. We are not talking about pastors that do their best, that teach correct doctrine, and that don’t abuse the flock. No one is perfect nor should we expect them to be. We are talking about those that put a stumbling block in the path of the people, and who abuse the authority God has given them. I believe once a leader starts abusing those under him, he has already lost his authority, he just doesn’t know it yet. In that case it is NOT the people that are causing disunity, it’s the pastor. There are lots of scriptures where the Lord is admonishing leaders to treat His people right. If it’s important to God, it should be important to us. The leader of any organization always has the upper hand. The church is no exception. Pastors that say church members are abusing them have the authority to remove the member from the church if it gets out of hand. And nobody questions them when they do. There ARE members who treat the pastor badly and there are times when a member must be told to leave in order to keep the unity of the church. But what do the people, the followers , the ones who don’t have much clout, do? If they are being abused by a pastor, and they finally get the courage to tell, THEY are the ones that aren’t believed, and often they are forced to leave a church they otherwise love because the pastor is always right, no matter what. It’s easy for those who have never been abused to judge those that have been. And if your pastor IS abusing you or someone you know, and you say nothing but continue to stay there, then you are allowing the abuse to go unchecked. You are blindly following when God may want you to take a stand. Sometimes, after we’ve tried our best, when we’ve witnessed abuse time and time again, and nothing ever gets done, the only thing we CAN do is to leave. In my case, I reluctantly left people I’d gone to church with for years, and they were like family to me. Only a few contacted me to see if I was ok. Others have never called me or reached out, and I’m sure they assume I’m backslidden, but that’s NOT the case. I love God AND His people and will continue to serve Him. If He sends me to another church, that’s great, but I won’t go anywhere until I’m sure it’s God. I don’t want to waste any more time. Maybe I should have left that church sooner than I did. I could have avoided a lot of things that I put up with instead, thinking God expected me to stay. The pastor got more abusive over the years, not less. He was even running off worship leaders and associate pastors who were well liked by the congregation; anyone that he felt threatened by. A true leader WANTS those under his leadership to succeed, even if they go further than he does. It doesn’t take long for any pastor to gather a group of people who follow him, who put him on a pedestal, even if he’s in error, and who believe everything he says or does MUST be right. It’s the nature of people to follow a leader, but what if that leader is wrong? He could be leading many off a cliff, but when you follow blindly, you don’t even see it until it’s too late. Those are the very things that lead to cults, even if it’s not actually labeled a cult. Even a Christian church can start out right but become cultish, because nobody wants to speak up or make waves.
Even if everything the pastor says is from the Bible, if he’s twisting scripture to make it fit HIS agenda, and not Gods plan, then he is just as wrong as those that make up their own “gospel” to suit themselves. That’s why we MUST read and study the Bible for ourselves. If we don’t, we won’t know when we are being deceived, even in our Christian churches. I learned a lot over the years, and most of it I learned the hard way. My husband left there before I did; but he never tried to get me to leave just because he did. He let me decide for myself. He’s not in any way a controlling person. He saw the hypocrisy before I did. BTW, he is a Christian in every sense of the word. He is a man of God behind closed doors and not JUST in church or in public where people can see him. As his wife of over 40 years, I know him better than anyone. He’s always treated me, and our children, the way a man should treat his family. He was there for me when I had to leave there, and never had the attitude of “I told you so”. Many times people hinted that my husband should be in church; I couldn’t say anything without being labeled as gossipy; I was between a rock and a hard place, even though I knew he’d left for good reasons, that would have never been an acceptable answer for them. NOW, I’d tell them to call him directly and ask him, then give them his number. He’d be honest and tell them why because that’s how he is. And he’d do it politely, but HE wouldn’t stress about it…instead I was always anxious if someone asked, and I’d even try my best to change the subject. He NEVER asked me to make excuses for him. To any women caught in that “where is your husband” weekly cycle, it’s not your place to fend off questions, it’s his. Hand them his number, and walk away. Let him tell they why he left. Most won’t actually call him, but at least they’ll stop asking YOU!
Now, I’d respond very differently than I once did! (Hindsight is always 20/20, like they say).
This is so helpful and eye opener
Very interesting piece, I just wish you would validate your points with scriptures from the holy Bible.
I agree with most of the signs but one; which is, prizing loyalty over diversity. This doesn’t suffice in instances where your church is brooded with disloyal followers who are not interested in the move of God’s work. I recommend the Book; Loyalty and Disloyalty by Bishop Dag Heward mills
Our first loyalty is to God, not to people. Most churchgoing people are there for the right reasons. To say we must always be “loyal” to a pastor assumes the pastor can’t be wrong. No man “deserves” a loyal following. Just like trust, it must be earned. A pastor who abuses the flock has already lost the authority he may have once had, even though he may be the last to know. I believe some churches are not meant to remain open. God sees what’s going on behind the scenes as well as out in front. Just like banks that mismanaged client money for years, but were given billion dollar bailouts, and STILL failed, not every institution is meant to remain open. Some of those banks SHOULD HAVE been allowed to fail. The bailouts were only throwing good money after bad. Most kept the SAME policies (and in many cases, shady practices) they’d always had that led to their failures in the first place. The people’s assets would have still been covered and protected by certain laws and guarantees. The church of God, meaning the BODY of CHRIST, will ALWAYS be here, and NOTHING will prevail against it, but that does not mean that every church built by human hands, will, or even should, prevail!!
Thank you for this. It is very helpful in our current situation where all six are present.
Stephen
I agree with much of what you say about pastors who abuse.
There is no excuse for abuse.
Abuse – dictionary
1 – use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.
2 – use or treat in such a way as to cause damage or harm.
3 – speak in an insulting and offensive way.
And, Since leaving, Today’s Abusive Religious Systems…
Because of these abusive pastor/leader/reverends…
I have different questions about today’s pastors.
Have you ever noticed?
Most of what today’s pastors get paid to “DO”?
Is NOT in the Bible?
In the Bible? Can anyone name?
One of **His Disciples** who was “Hired” as a…
Paid Professional Pastor, in a Pulpit?
Preaching, to People, in Pews?
Weak after Weak?
In a church?
——-
Have you ever noticed?
The “Titles/Postions,” these abusive guys take?
Can NOT be found in the Bible?
For one of **His Disciples?**
In the Bible? Can anyone name?
One of **His Disciples** who took the “Title” pastor? Lead pastor?
Or shepherd? Or under-shepherd? Or leader? Or reverend?
——-
Have you ever noticed this about “Titles?”
“Titles” – “Seperate?”
“Titles” – “Elevate?”
“Titles” will be used to – “Control” and “Manipulate?”
In my “church” experience…
No matter how loving… eventually…
No matter how humble… eventually…
No matter how much a servant… eventually…
Today’s, “Titled,” pastor, leader, reverend…
Will “Exercise Authority” like the Gentiles. (A No, No, Mark 10:42-43.)
And, that is always the beginning of “Spiritual Abuse.”
“Pastor/Leader” = exercise authority = lord it over = abuse = always
Jer 50:6
“My people” hath been “lost sheep:”
**THEIR shepherds**
have caused them to *go astray,*
1 Pet 2:25
For ye were as *sheep going astray;*
BUT are now returned to
the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.
{{{{{{ Jesus }}}}}}
Hi Amos, I agree with most of what you said, but I must defend pastors that get paid for their work in the ministry. At least those that are doing it honorably. The Bible says a workman is worthy of his wages. Pastors that devote the majority of their time to the ministry have to get paid, somehow. They have bills to pay, too. They have wives and children to support, just like other people in any other occupation. They have utility bills, groceries to buy, mortgages and insurance premiums, just like the people in the pews. No, they should not be greedy, or dishonest but that’s true in any occupation. Should they scrounge and work for free, or be expected to walk around in rags or drive clunkers? If they did, they’d get criticized for THAT, too!! Btw, I’m not related to any pastor and I’m not afraid to call things as I see them, so I’m not in some kind of “defensive mode”. It’s just wrong to me to think pastors have to do everything for free. Many really good pastors have had to leave the ministry because they weren’t being fairly compensated. Many work an extra job during the week so they have no choice but to devote less time to the ministry. The really good ones are unfortunately getting fewer and farther between. That’s why we SHOULD be taking care of the good ones. I’ve even read comments from Christian’s who say ministers who write books shouldn’t get paid to do so. They should offer them for free. Seriously??? That sounds more like entitled Christian’s than greedy ministers. Why don’t THEY write a book that could help thousands of people, and do it all for free? Christian’s tend to have a poverty mentality, where being prosperous or industrious is thought of as bordering on “sin”! God spoke WELL of the creative, prosperous, entrepreneurial, AND INDUSTRIOUS woman in Proverbs 31. She made her own creations, such as scarves, and sold them; she even made enough money to buy a field on her own. God held her up as a good example. If a minister is dishonest and guilty of fleecing the sheep, God WILL deal with them. But that doesn’t mean they’re all like that. Many want to do a good job but feel split in two; by the time Sunday comes they’re exhausted from working elsewhere all week long, just to make ends meet.
I have just left the church I gave every drop of everything to, do to abuse. Unfortunately, my former pastor is very charamastic. I loved him in the past. Then, I realized he had developed an elder board of yes men. His accountability group were not honest with him in their own lives ( I knew things from their wives, living near, etc) so, I knew this wasn’t right either. When I started to question him about Biblical interpretation, it was over, even when I brought in commentaries from the present of his prestigious seminary. He began a vendetta to discredit me. I went from writing my daytime Bible study to being removed. I went from doing almost everything, to nothing. I was constantly questioned over the last 2 years when I would be stopping doing an in-depth, international outside Bible study, where I was actually being fed, so that I could feed others. I hadn’t felt fed at that church for years, but God fed me other ways. I totally feel God has led me to a great church with a lot of diversity, great teachers, etc.
I would love to purchase this book
Please email purchasing details
Thank you.
It seems you are writing from the congregation point of view and you may have no idea what the pastors challenges may be. You ideas are good but can be used negatively to encourage revolt in many churches.
Are you by any chance a church leader?
Can you go back over every comment and say everyone of these people have no right to complain about or even mention the abuse they suffered under church leadership? Some of them happened over decades. Almost everyone of us has not given the names of the pastors that hurt us, or even the denomination of the church. Most comments are written in a way that allows us to share without naming names. No one is TRYING to hurt the church. The problem is the ACTUAL church, the people of God, have already been hurt. One reason bad churches have continued to exist is because pastors surround themselves with yes men, those who instead of confronting them, which is what they’re supposed to do, cover for them instead! They’ve done more harm to the flock than good. When they ARE confronted, often they double down instead of repenting. Some of them weren’t even called by God, they called themselves, sometimes through nepotism. That’s why bad churches with abusive leaders even exist. Of course there are good pastors and good churches; there are always exceptions to every rule. I’m not making blanket statements. But that doesn’t mean we should never say when something is wrong. “Have nothing to do with fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them” Ephesians 5:11. How can we expose evil if we can never judge anything? Do pastors get a free pass because they’re pastors? My bible says they’re more accountable, not less. Suppose leaders, instead of always thinking members are “out to get them”, just because someone questions them with a legitimate concern , they would sit back and listen and not take it as a personal attack or a threat to their ministry. Why can’t there be conversations where questions can be asked without the member fearing they’ll be exiled or shunned just for asking. No one should be afraid of retribution from the pastor and those he surrounds himself with, who cover things up, just because someone ask a question. That attitude should not even exist in God’s house. And if a member really IS the problem, that needs to be dealt with too. If there’d been place for open discussion about things that aren’t black and white in the Bible, all this time. maybe the church in general would be thriving now. And I’m NOT suggesting compromising with sin. If the Bible says something is wrong, it’s wrong, whether we agree or not.
Are you suggesting there’s no such thing as abuse by pastors, aka spiritual abuse? The fact that so many people have been afraid to talk about their own experiences with spiritual abuse, lest they be labeled troublemakers, has only allowed it to get worse. I myself have never had a real face to face conversation with anyone I’ve gone to church with, because I don’t want to influence them to leave, just because I have. I feel God can talk to them when and if He wants them to leave, just like he did with me. But how do I answer those that keep asking why I’m no longer there? I’ve been as vague as possible without actually telling them the real reason. Do I sound like someone who’s trying to hurt the church? Forums like this allow me to share what’s on my heart without naming names. I have no desire to hurt anyone, but I’m also human. The institution of the church has become way more important to too many pastors than the people IN the church. It’s become more important to look good (to outsiders) than to BE good!
Can you go back over every comment and say everyone of these people have no right to complain about or even mention the abuse they suffered under church leadership? Almost everyone of us has not given the names of the pastors that hurt us, or even the denomination of the church. Most comments are written in a way that allows us to share without naming names. No one is TRYING to hurt the church. The problem is the ACTUAL church, the people of God, have already been hurt. One reason bad churches have continued to exist is because pastors surround themselves with yes men, those who instead of confronting them, which is what they’re supposed to do, cover for them instead! They’ve done way more harm to the flock than any good they’ve done. When they ARE confronted, often they double down instead of repenting. Some of them weren’t even called by God, they called themselves, sometimes through nepotism. That’s why bad churches with abusive leaders even exist. Of course there are good pastors and good churches; there are many exceptions. I’m not making blanket statements. But that doesn’t mean we should never say when something is wrong. “Have nothing to do with fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them” Ephesians 5:11. How can we expose evil if we can never judge anything? When someone asks me if I recommend that church, I’m torn over being honest, in which case I may have to give the real reason, or saying they should try it, knowing God will intervene at some point, but why should I be put in that position because of something that was done TO me? I was there for many years, putting up with one thing or another, keeping quiet, not making waves, but still verbally abused, sometimes publicly and other times when no one was around. He kept his worse barbs for when no one was around. He knew many put him on a pedestal and who would believe me if I told what he was really like? The church secretary asked me to take her place the week of her honeymoon. I had experience in office work so I was happy to do so. He came in the first day and looked disappointed and didn’t even try to hide it. He never said hello or smiled but when someone else came in he was Mr Congeniality all of a sudden. He could turn it off and on in a heartbeat. It all depended on if you were “Someone” or not. I guess to him, I wasn’t. Often the victims get blamed instead of the perpetrators, and that attitude needs to stop!
This is definitely real. Have lots of bad apples out there
Yeah; Bad apples and bad apple pies.
Interesting comments. Agreed that we need to be careful to point out everything we don’t like as abuse. However, when it happens to you, there is no mistaking it is Spiritual Abuse. Many of us here have googled this subject for a reason and found this and other helpful articles. We need to call it what it is. Three months ago, after much prayer and counsel, I left a staff position, my husband resigned from the council, and we resigned our membership within two weeks after the initial abuse. Thankfully, we didn’t stay on to endure more abuse that was sure to follow. The pastor used the exact same words (and more) from this article in #3, like he was reading it. So weird. (Also, the disagreements can be minor, it doesn’t necessarily need to be a theological difference). The rest of the points here are spot on as well, such as how the leadership is configured. The elder, his spiritual leader/mentor used Gossip Prayer to get his point across. (Anyone?) We did lose our people, our community, and it’s extremely sad and hard, but at the same time, I’m thankful we are not a part of the unhealthy leadership. I’ve asked forgiveness for being blind and therefore a part of the dysfunction while on staff for about a year, ignoring some red flags, seeing enough good, loving my job, justifying things maybe because it didn’t “happen to me”. Then it did. No one, except a couple close friends, really want to know the truth of why we left, and we aren’t going to go around gossiping about it. The pastor is acting baffled about why, yet never acknowledged our letter or our resignations or asked why, if he is so baffled. So we pray the veil be lifted and people see Truth, the Light is shined on the darkness, the accuser and deceiver be silenced and members and leadership actually use their discernment and cause change.
It is strange isn’t it, how nobody asks why…It’s like they don’t want to know because they don’t want their own bubble to burst. They don’t want to entertain negativity. But a fear of entertaining negativity can be indistinguishable from a fear of entertaining the truth.
Very well said. They don’t want to know because then they’ll know. Another recent blog here written by Stephen’s father talks about how a mature healthy pastor should resond to people leaving. Good article. Complete opposites. Thank you for empathizing.
I meant, the aricle on leaving explains the complete opposite of what we experienced.
I have a question. My husband and I first noticed this type of leadership and more heinousn activity, such as telling people they cannot sit in certain parts of the church, serve or attend certain events beyond the corporate worship services (i.e small groups) going on in 2017 at the church where we have been for 14 years. The problem appears to be that we ask too many questions about the the goals and teachings of the senior pastor. We made a decision then to supplement this church with another one. The more egregious abuse towards us escalated by one junior staff member recently. We conferred with an assistant pastor who got him to back down on some of the abuse, but supported him on other aspects. Specifically, we had been banned from sitting in the first five rows of the church in 2017, but week before last, for no reason at all, that restriction was extended to the sixth through 10th row. This is what the assistant pastor backed up, however a ban that had been in place since 2017 on me serving in the church was at the same time lifted.
Our senior pastor is not very approachable, but the few times we have had brief discussion, he seems clueless about the extent to which we were abused. We think the heinous abuse is the doing of his underlings, but he does show the six traits this article mentioned.
This is a very large church with satellite campuses, so we made a choice not to attend the main campus where the abuse is being allowed, but we will attend a satellite campus. Well actually, my husband has made these decisions. Had it been my choice we would have left this church all together some time ago. In fact I did quit this church for two weeks in 2017, but then decided to go back with him. I pray that the heinous abuse that has worked its way into the main campus will stay out of the satellites. However, the pastors of the satellites are under the authority of the senior pastor, just as this assistant pastor who is supporting the heinous abuse is. We had occasionally attended the satellite campus in the past and I until recently felt the past abuse at the main campus could be forgiven. But not now.
If it were up to me I at least would only attend the “supplemental” church we have been attending since 2017. We actually spend more time at that church than the other one. However the leadership of that church encourages me to follow my husband’s lead, and my husband wants to believe even though leadership at the main campus is abhorrent, this has nothing to do with the senior pastor and everything will be fine at the satellite campus. I want to believe him. But what if he is wrong and the satellite leadership also becomes abusive? What should I do now, or what should I do if these fears are realized?
I’m commenting in 2023, but I never saw this article until this month. I experienced real spiritual abuse before I even knew such a thing existed. I didn’t know that’s what it was called at least; the concept was so foreign. There were things here and there even in childhood that I look back on that weren’t right, but even worse things happened once I was an adult. Still, I’d been raised to believe that the priest were always right, no matter what, and later when I had a pastor and was no longer in the Catholic Church, that all spiritual leaders were people we should look up to; if there were problems it had to our fault and not theirs. I’d heard of sexual abuse, domestic violence, physical abuse, and verbal abuse, but until about 15 years ago I’d never heard the term “spiritual abuse “. Once it started happening to me, I had to learn more, and by researching I expected to find just a little information here and there, but boy was I shocked to find article after article, and testimony after testimony, and that was 15 years ago….it’s only grown since then. Even many books have been written about the topic. (I recommend “Bully Pulpit”, but there are many good ones) What good has it done us to keep quiet about it? We are so afraid to confront leaders that we clam up and say nothing, until they have run havoc over our lives, where we are left second guessing ourselves and wondering if WE are the crazy ones. To be fair I must say that many have tried to speak up but have been shut down and silenced instead, usually by the pastors board of directors, also known as his “yes” men. We need to accept that if we constantly feel something is wrong, we are probably NOT imagining it. We don’t feel that way around people that treat us well, so why can’t we trust our instincts when someone is MIStreating us? As Christians God has given us a level of discernment, and it’s given for a reason. He does not expect us to follow a leader that abuses us or someone we love. We should forgive and pray for them, but that doesn’t mean we should allow it to continue. We are not required to stay in a church where instead of being fed, we get beaten black and blue in every sermon. I’m not advocating soft sermons where sin is never preached about, I’m talking about personal attacks from the pulpit where people are called out publicly and openly “disciplined” by a pastor that never even tried to meet privately to ensure that accused person was guilty in the first place. That’s actually opposite of what the Bible says to do. And that’s only one way a pastor can be abusive. I witnessed and experienced that more than once. It’s like they enjoy shaming people. One in particular would say something he intended to sound “shocking” then add “I might be stepping on a lot of toes” when it became obvious that he was using that expression way too often and it was obvious he was trying too hard to look clever and get attention. He liked the “shock value” in his sermons but he should have been meeting with those who WERE doing those things instead of always insinuating the majority of the congregation were guilty, when most of us weren’t. Most people in our congregation were sincere people trying to do the right things but he made it look like we were all guilty of certain things when most of us were not. I knew many of the people well enough to know they were sincere believers, and weren’t guilty of certain things. And I don’t mind correction if I’m guilty of something but if I’m not, don’t insinuate that I am, especially publicly! First off, I should be allowed to discuss it with the person in authority and defend myself against false accusations, in private, if indeed I’m not guilty. Even if I’m guilty of something I should be allowed to repent, before blasting it to the church. Same for everyone. But once it’s said from the pulpit it’s impossible to defend yourself to an entire congregation. Once it’s said out loud it can never be UNsaid. And bull on the saying our real friends will know better. That’s true but that doesn’t mean it’s okay that it was said in the first place. Reputations, careers, ministries and relationships have been ruined because of things like that.
I believe a leader of any church has already lost his authority once he starts abusing the flock; sadly often he’s the last to know it. Many churches die a slow death because of this. Others may continue to operate but there’s no real life in them. My first pastor of many years retired a few years ago, and after trying to keep the doors open, by appointing a new pastor, the church ended up closing its doors anyway. Another denomination, also Christian, bought the building and now have their church in that same building. The two pastors met each other during the sale. I’m wondering if my old pastor shouldn’t have just stopped ministering altogether, because he was always verbally abusing the people with no “clout” while excusing everything his close buddies at church were doing. Instead of truly retiring, he convinced the new pastor he should join their staff as a “consultant”, until the new pastor agreed. Visiting the new church I see the same signs of abusive attitudes with the newer younger pastor that I saw in the old pastor. And maybe worse because he’s starting younger. My pastor was always abusive to an extent, but not to the degree he was at the end. It only got worse and I believe it’s because he was always surrounded by men that were supposed to keep him accountable, but covered for him instead. He and his family got chummy with their families. It’s hard to confront someone you barbecue with, or go fishing with, in your spare time.
Something has got to be done about this! They worry about the image of the church, but it’s as much their fault as anyone else’s (and usually more than), when the image is tarnished, but THEY never see themselves as the problem. They take credit when the church is exploding and everything’s good, but never take the blame when things go bad, and people start leaving.
I am a dedicated follower of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I also love my church family and my senior pastor, who is also a Bishop. Within the past year, God has been speaking clearly to me through visions, dreams and the gifts of discernment, understanding and wisdom. I have experienced verbal/emotional abuse from an Elder in the church, dismissive behavior from a church committee leader. In addition, I have accomplished some great accomplishments, by graduating from the Christian Chaplain International Academy, now a certified chaplain, have been accepted and enrolled in the theological seminary and have been an assistant teacher for the adult Sunday School class, for the past four years, and an officer in the womens ministry, for the past 6 years. No acknowledgement. At first, I took my concerns to a woman Deacon. My answer was, “We need to try and understand and just pray.” Then I took my concerns direct to the Sr. Pastor, and he used scriptures to not address and correct my concerns. I said I was spiritually wounded. Nothing!!! Which way do I to go now?
What do you do when your son is the pastor—-and a visit 2 years ago ended with his wife hitting me (I almost fell—) our son only reacted by telling me he wanted to punch me in the face—-we talked to our pastor—(who is friends with our son and his family) but he did nothing but criticize—point fingers—and we felt he was throwing abusive attacks towards us–we felt he was giving us–his personal feelings about the situation and not spiritually guiding us into a reconciliation with our son—when he walked into the room —he bluntly looked at his watch and said–ok ok what is this about—started conversation with no prayer—–and said all he can see is hatred and venom—we will never attend that church-until he’s gone–waiting for the day he leaves!!!
Your article is eerily on target with what I went through I’m my church. I’ve been a member for 40 years under
The same Pastor for 37 of those years. His son was then elected to Lead Pastor, more as a birth right than anything else. I’ve been a board member for 20 years and a past treasurer. I started noticing these signs ( in your article) a few years ago and have tried to offer advice along with other Trustees. It got to the point that I could no longer support the church financially because of the way the offerings were being used. Because of the finances and a few other things, I finally resigned last year, (the day before your article was published). A few fellow trustees have followed. The church is suffering financially due to a downturn in attendance. I Pray that He will change his ways and will get back to being a good steward of what God has entrusted him with.
What do others suggest? Is it a good idea to stay at a church and fight the spiritual abuse? Or leave and go to a different church?
I say run. Fast. If there is any chance of effecting change while staying and the abuse isn’t directed personally at you, you may have a chance. However, speaking from personal experience, if they’ve already falsely decided you are a problem, an antagonist, and the Pastor/Abuser is the Top of the Food Chain, with false accountability as described in the article, you probably are wasting your time staying. Leaving can be hard as well, but probably in the long run healthier for you.
I totally agree. Our family tried to endure the abuse, praying and hoping for the best. After much prayer and lovingly trying to help we decided to leave. In the end we had to run, FAST!. The pastor eventually resigned after we had left. We pray the church will heal and return to its purpose and relevance in the community.
Only you can know that as God gives you wisdom. Not everyone is expected to confront the pastor. In some churches the heirarchy makes that impossible. Often many others have tried but to no avail. Soon they become known as “troublemakers” when actually they were trying to AVOID trouble and correct a bad situation. God may have some people stay to make changes but I believe more often than not, we need to wipe the dust off our feet and let God Himself deal with them. Judgement begins with the house of God, and usually it starts at the TOP, just like it would in any institution. But especially in an institution where men as pastors, although human, are supposed to represent God, but don’t always do a good job of it. No one should expect perfection from anyone including leaders in churches, but if they accept the role of pastor, they SHOULD be worthy of their calling. Too many let it go their head. They see the church growing, and assume it’s because of them, but when the church shrinks because of ongoing abuse, it’s everyone else’s fault, and never theirs.
Ugh! We are in this now. Unfortunately we’re staff at the church. Our church just suffered through a tremendous upheaval of making this type of leader resign only to be replaced by an interim pastor with the same signs! It’s like the members are addicted to abusive leaders. (Wow lightbulb moment) that just confirms that we need to get out of here! It’s so easy sometimes to say maybe we can make a difference. Maybe things will change. We can’t leave people in this same mess. Thank you for this article it has been so helpful!
Thank you, Stephen for this article. It’s not just in churches. This can be in other arenas, too. Maybe you should write a second article (more general for leaders in ministries, organizations, businesses, etc.) and post it on LinkedIn for others to see. This is incredibly direct, good, and insightful. You may save more people than you know. Please keep writing about this topic!
I am going through this exact scenario in my church now. If my decision is to leave, how do I approach it ?. Do I just leave or give an explanation. I don’t want it to upset everything else like it upsets me. I am totally confused because despite it all, I love my pastor
SE, I know how you feel. I love my pastor too, but I’m losing respect for him. Too many details to give here, but I left because I couldn’t take the verbal public abuse any longer. For some reason I became a target for his abuse, several times from the pulpit, even though I’ve never been what you’d consider a “high maintenance “ member. I don’t like having attention on myself nor do I monopolize the pastors time. I’m not a troublemaker, but maybe that’s why; I don’t push back. I was raised to respect leaders, especially in the church. Now one of my close friends is ignoring me because I didn’t tell her everything that happened, since I hate gossip. If I tell her everything, it may influence her to leave too, but if she does ever leave I want it to be because God told her to and not because of anything I said. She assumes I just walked away, but that’s not true. I tried for so long. When she was out of church for a couple of years, I never judged her. I only encouraged her. But now that I’m out, she barely gives me the time of day. She’s literally been back in church for maybe three or four months. How quickly she’s forgotten!! But this church is filled with that kind of attitude, all the way from the top down!
Stephen – could you please clarify…
Early in the article (under point #1) I read: “As Richard Blackaby puts it in his book Spiritual Leadership:” and then the quote is attributed to Richard Sibbes in the photo/quote insert. The link to the book “Spiritual Leadership” lists the author as Henry Blackaby – an author I’m familiar with.
Who is the originator of the quote? Also, are you therefore finding general fault with the tenets of Henry Blackaby’s book?
Just curious – Thanks.
This article confirms my fears and proved me right all along.
A new Pastor was posted to our Church (Church of Nigeria, Anglican Communion) in January 2019 and within 4 months of his arrival have strongly exhibited all the 6 traits and also possess very awful bad characters.
As the Church’s Youth President, I have tried to raise my concerns about what’s been happening but I have ended up being labeled a BAD FOLLOWER.
I and my wife have had to endure a lot of traumatic moments all credited to the Pastor and I’ve concluded that I’ll be leaving the Church and I’ve been praying God helps me through this trying time.
The Anglican Church in Nigeria is a breeding ground for all these traits among the pastors because of their quest to grow in the ministry.
We are in a struggle now with our Pastor that is angry with us for calling him out on all six issues over the past two years. We tried to leave quietly and peacefully. My husband and the Pastor were close friends. He has told all UPCI churches to not welcome us. He will not let us transfer or release us. My husband and I are in our 60’s, have always been in leadership and we have always been faithful to our church. He has ordered the flock not to speak to us. He has violated the UPCI bylaws but no one seems to care. All we want to do is go to another UPCI church without this drama. We are devastated and apparently have no recourse.
Jane, I got stuck in a similar position when I left my church of many years and looked for another one. Almost immediately the pastor at the new church started coming against me, it was a nightmare. I couldn’t figure out why. He barely knew me. I’d only been there two weeks when it started. We barely even talked except one time and that was to introduce myself.
Then I heard someone say they believed their former pastor had found out where they were going and had “tipped off” the next pastor about him.
THAT’S when I connected the dots. Never did I think a pastor could be so underhanded or vindictive. My former pastor did so much damage; he was the sole reason I left that first church. Then that first pastor retired, about a year after I left.
It eventually became obvious he was trying to prevent me from finding another church. Even if I’d stayed at the second place, the pastor there was prejudiced against me from the start, all because of the first pastor. He even refused to meet me for ten minutes so I could ask what happened in the hopes of making it right. That’s not a good way to start in a church. I felt I already had two strikes against me. I left after just a few weeks. That’s when I found a 3rd church. Everything seemed fine at first. Then, by accident I found out they’d hired a former pastor to be a sort of consultant. Guess who that consultant was (and still is)? My first pastor. I had a sinking feeling when I saw him and his wife sitting up front in the same church I was now attending…I’ve often felt like David (even though I’m female) running away from Saul. I can’t seem to get away from him. This town is not that large. I don’t have lots of other churches to choose from.
I’m amazed to find that this isn’t something that just my pastor exhibits… My relationship with my husband is being strained because my husband doesn’t want to warrant action about the subliminal messages being said about me and us for not ‘submitting, being loyal, etc.’ When we weren’t those things. My husband is a mercy giver, I’m more justice. Trying to find a balance. I’ve extended mercy for months and the abuse continues. When is it time to move on? My husband would stay forever.
Oh, my. Another (yet another ) description of that evil thing called Calvinism.
What if the pastor is always asking for money,calling you every day and you get sick of it,its so bad that some days you dont pick up the call and he is very extravagant.Always preaching about how stingy you all are.Can you leave the church .
Been there, done that. If this is you get out NOW! Don’t stay, don’t think you can change things no matter how long you have known your pastor or what your history with him may be. Just get out quickly.
I, at one time, sat on our church board. However, as I became critical of the “worship” leader’s choice of music, or tried to hold other men accountable for their actions, I was promptly “chastised” and lectured about the importance of unity within the church. I have come to believe that unity in this church means conformity to what ever the pastor is preaching. I also recently questioned a guest speaker’s sermon and was met with a circling of the wagons so to speak. No accountability shown or offered. I once looked forward to going to church on Sunday but not so much anymore.
I will not pay tithes and first fruit offerings to rogue pastors and rogue preachers who seek to enslave and destroy me. I will not bow down to rogue pastors and rogue preachers who @#$% my brains and call be a bitch. According to the Bible women preachers and teachers usurping authority over men is forbidden. Though shalt not bare false witness. Though shalt not covet. If you are angry with your brother for no reason then you are murderers O brothers and sisters. I’ve come across different preachers and church leaders blaspheming the Holy spirit. They say that Catholic Church’s Vicarius Filii Dei adds up to 666 six hundred and sixty six ; Well just remember so does The Seventh Day Adventists – Ellen Gould White add up to 666 six hundred and sixty six. Grab the bull by the horns not the man by the balls. If two men are having a fight and the wife of one of the men grabs the other man by the balls, show her no mercy show her no pity pity, cut her hand off. It’s all written in the Bible.
Haven’t been to church for a while after witnessing the pastor and his wife cover up their sin and ZERO accountability for their actions so will do it again. They used it as a opportunity to ghost, bully, isolate and hurt me into silence. MY Jesus Christ is Lord and He sees everything.
What about the pastor who calls you out for something in the middle of a sermon, and makes it clear that he’s talking about you? He may, or may not, call you by name, but he stares at you, eyeball to eyeball while he makes his point. The pastor has never once had me in his office to discuss any concerns in private. He’s skipped the entire first two steps of scripture in Matthew 18, and gone straight to the final step, that says to tell it to the church. First off, the things he says are very presumptuous and off the mark, but he says it like he knows something the rest of the congregation doesn’t know. We’ve never talked face to face except to make casual conversation, and to greet each other before services, but that’s it. Why he’s chosen me to do this to is a mystery. I only wish I was imagining it, but I’m not. Once a public accusation is made against someone, from a pulpit, it’s impossible for that person to defend themselves to an entire congregation. And people that say it shouldn’t matter what people we hardly know think about us, has probably never had something like that happen to them. Even our closest friends were strangers to us, the first time we met. It’s hard to have awkward or strained relationships with people we go to church with, even if they never become part of our closest circle of friends , it still matters. False accusations and rumors have ruined reputations, families, opportunities, close friendships and even potential friendships. I’ve left the church recently, after wrestling with it for awhile, and probably stayed longer than I should have. I’ve second guessed myself, even though I’ve prayed about it and sensed God telling me to leave. I wonder if I should have met with the pastor first, but it hit me that it was up to him to initiate the process in the first place. He was the one that had something against me, but sidestepped the first two steps outlined in scripture. I had nothing against him, at least nothing that couldn’t have been easily resolved. Because he, as the one in authority, never took the proper action, it was not up to me to finish it. I’m open to discussion but didn’t even have a chance to initiate one, or to respond to an offer for discussion, which he never made. I didn’t even know I’d need to until the damage was already done. By not taking the proper steps of confronting, and hopeful reconciliation, he could have avoided this from happening . Sometimes I’d spend half the time in the hallway, watching the sermons on closed-caption tv’s. because I didn’t want to sit in the sanctuary and take a chance on him spotting me and saying something. No one should have to feel like that. I also didn’t want to miss church altogether. I used to love going and looked forward to it for years after I got saved. I feel he’s stolen something from me, but I’m certain he’s convinced I left because I’m backslidden (I’m not). I know better than to blame God because of things that people do. This has only made me want to get closer to God. At this point I’m not sure I owe the pastor an explanation. If I know God is telling me to do that, I will. I sense this pastor has done this before, when he was serving at one of the other churches, and I was just another one of his targets. He was an associate pastor there before he became senior pastor at the church I was attending, even though he’s pretty young. I’ve attended the church’s sister campuses and have witnessed similar behaviors by the other pastors in those services. I’m sure it’s a part of their pattern of behavior as a whole. It makes you wonder how they think that’s okay. If they don’t feel the need for biblical confrontation, WHY don’t they? Between five campuses with at least 15 pastors and associates between them, you’d think one of them would have spoken up and changed their procedures and policies, by now. How many people have been driven out of churches because of things like that?
I had been seeking a church where the truth of God’s Word is being preached, and where the presence of God is, and I was hoping that I had found it. I would hear a good Word preached from the pulpit, talented singing, and there have been wonderful times of God blessing me so much with His presence. However, he has said some things that made me feel like he is in this for his own greatness and bigness, if that makes any sense. Then recently, he made some comments behind the pulpit I don’t feel that he should have. He said (I’m paraphrasing) that even though the one whom they depended on to operate in the gift of interpretation of tongues wasn’t there at a particular service, God raised up someone else to do so. The person whom he was referring to not being there at the particular service was actually at church that night. I believe others in the church knew he was referring to her also. Then when others came to the altar, this lady was laying in the floor worshipping the Lord. When she was done she was having a difficult time getting up and needed help. Out loud in front of everyone the Pastor told her that if the Lord put her down there that He would help her get up. He was making fun of her I felt…. Also, another lady was asked to pray about helping out with children’s church once a month. The lady did pray about it, whom also had a granddaughter who attended church with her, and she said that she did not feel led of God to help with children’s church, that she felt the children needed to be in the sanctuary under the anointing also, although she offered to help with Sunday School if they needed her. I feel that offense was taken to that, and the next week the Pastor got up and preached on “You don’t have as much on the inside of you as what you think you do. I felt like this was flesh behind the pulpit, and not the anointing of God. At the end of this particular service, the same lady was there who had been made fun in front of others, and she looked so hurt, like she could have broken down and started crying, and the other lady who was only trying to obey what she felt was from God by telling them that she prayed and that she felt the children needed to be in the sanctuary sitting under the anointing, she felt like that same word was for her too…. How I wish I had reached out and held that lady who was about to cry! …. To me, this is spiritual abuse. What do you think?