The Smartest Thing I Ever Said To My Wife


Want to know how to diffuse an argument? Want to know how to cool the flames of a heated debate?

The other night my wife and I were talking with my daughter and son-in-law about the early years of our marriage. Kristi and I had plenty of challenges our first year or two as we were adjusting to our new life together. We were committed to making our marriage glorify the Lord, but when two human beings – even two believers in Jesus – come together, their desires and sins often come into conflict.

Kristi told my daughter, “I would get very heated at times and raise my voice. I had done that in my family since I was a child. I had to be right. And I would keep arguing and arguing to prove my point. But in our arguments your dad would often state his side, then he’d add, ‘But I could be wrong.’ That would diffuse the argument. And eventually I realized that coming out of an argument as “right” was not as necessary as being humble. Eventually I began to realize that I could be wrong about things, even if I felt 99% sure I was right. So I began to force myself to say ‘I could be wrong’ when arguing about things. At first it felt totally unnatural to say it, but as I practiced saying it, it became more natural. And I began to realize how good it was for our marriage not to always expect Mark to always cave in to me but it was important for us both to leave the possibility open that the other person could be right and I could be totally wrong.”

I’m glad Kristi remembers it this way, but I know that I didn’t always respond well in our conflicts. I thought I was right. I pushed for my position. I was proud. But if I happened to respond in any humble way in our conflicts part of it may have been that early in my Christian life I was taught that we all have blind spots – things about ourselves that we can’t see. We can think we’re right and yet not see something that is glaringly obvious to others. And I also remember being taught this Scripture from Proverbs:

Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him. (PR 26.12).

A biblical “fool” is a wicked person, a God-hater, not just a silly person. And there is more hope for a biblical fool than a man who is wise in his own eyes.  A man who thinks he is right all the time.  A man who thinks he can’t be wrong.

Only God is omniscient. Only God is never wrong. Only God is infinitely and perfectly wise. God is the only one who perfectly knows the motives of our hearts. He knows why we do things, what is best to do, and he understands every aspect of every situation. But we, who are fallen creatures, even when made anew in Christ, are limited and fallible. All of us are wrong at times. Even when we’re sure we are right. We may have right information but wrong motivation. We may be intelligent, but the most intelligent of men don’t know everything.

This doesn’t mean we can’t discuss things, make our points, state our observations, etc. But we must always guard against pride. It’s always lurking there, ready to raise its ugly head. At least in my heart it is. We must always guard against being wise in our own eyes. We should always try to be teachable, even when being addressed by someone much younger or less experienced.

So keep this little phrase in your back pocket – “I could be wrong.” Believe it. Even when you think you are right. Remember we all have blind spots and are not the ultimate judge of all things. Beware being wise in your own eyes. Lord Jesus, help us to be humble.

How Should We Respond To Internet Trolls?


“Trolling” on the internet is something that’s hard to succinctly define but you know it if you see it. And when you see it you probably hate it. Last week I had the chance to talk with Karl and June on Moody Radio Chicago’s Morning Show. They raised a number of questions about social media trolling and how Christians should respond.

  • What is trolling?
  • Is it worth responding to?
  • Is it wise to take breaks from social media?
  • Does all the abuse make it not worth it to be on social media?
  • Why invest in social media interactions when we can have off-line, personal conversations?

All of these are good questions and I shared my thoughts. You can listen here.

A Conversation About Trolling and The Christian Response

Can A Christian Lovingly Use The Slippery Slope Argument?


?That?s a slippery slope.? Have you ever heard that phrase used in an argument before? A slippery-slope argument is one in which it?s assumed that holding Position A leads inevitably to Position B, then Position C, then to D, and on down the line. The assumption is that no one wants to hold Positions B, C, and D, so therefore Position A is discredited. Usually the person holding to Position A responds that the slippery slope argument is a way to obscure the issue by smuggling in other topics, while the Slipper Sloper thinks his logical links are unassailable.

It?s worth thinking about the slippery slope argument because it?s in the headlines a lot these days in connection with debates on same-sex marriage and gender/transgender issues. Opponents of same-sex marriage argue that legalizing it would start the slippery slope towards crossing other sexual boundaries such as polygamy, pedophilia, or incest. The other side responds by saying the slippery slope argument is nonsense and an attempt to make anyone supporting same-sex marriage look bad. So my question is: can a Christian use the slippery-slope argument? And if so, how do we do it in a way that honors the commands to love our neighbor, and to be quick to hear, slow to speak?

I?m going to suggest two answers to that question, especially with regards to gender and sexuality debates. But first, in the interest of full disclosure, let me state where I stand. I think legalizing same-sex marriage would be wrong from a Scriptural standpoint and would ultimately be very harmful to our society. I also think the slippery slope argument has considerable force in this debate. (See the recent headlines about incest laws in Germany and polygamy laws in Utah.) But I?m also convinced that in this discussion, as in any other, those biblical commands still apply. So how can we love our neighbors while disagreeing with them?

Don?t assume that this person accepts Position B because they believe in Position A.

This is simply an application of Jesus? words in Matthew 7:12: “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them.? You?ve probably had, or at least heard, someone say, ?Oh, you?re a Christian, you guys believe ______? with the blank filled in with an outright distortion of Christianity that neither you nor anyone you know actually believes. You would like that person to actually ask you what you believe rather than write you off as ignorant, bigoted, or outdated based on a false assumption about what Christians are like. We owe that same respect to anyone we disagree with. You might be convinced it?s a slippery slope between A and B, but don?t assume the person you?re talking to sees it exactly as you do. Which leads to my second suggestion:

Ask the person to explain why they believe Position A doesn?t lead to Position B.

Questions are always better than assumptions. Use them. ?In my mind there are implications to what you?re saying that trouble me. Could you help me understand if I?m hearing you correctly?? Or: ?If you believe _______, what are your thoughts about ___________?? Two things might happen. One, you may find there are valid ways to hold Position A and not Position B that you haven?t thought of. Honesty and respect require ? actually, let?s rephrase that: our Lord requires ? that we consider those possibilities. Two, you may discover that the person you?re talking to hasn?t actually thought through the implications of their belief. That?s not the time to do a victory dance and pound your chest for having won the argument ? not if our goal is to ?always be prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect? (1 Peter 3:15). Instead, this is the time to gently ask the person to reconsider their beliefs, and then give them time and space to do so.

Beliefs have implications. There are slippery slopes that need to be recognized and, with love and compassion, exposed. But any debate or argument brings its own slippery slope: slipping away from love, compassion, and a desire to help people see their need for Jesus towards a miry pit of arrogance, poor listening, and hard hearts. Don?t slip down that slope!

Photo by John Haslam

What To Do When You Have An Enemy


?O Lord, how many are my foes!? (Psalm 3:1)

Foes. Enemies. Opposition. If you read through the Psalms, you?ll find those words occur about 130 times. Apparently for the psalmists having someone out to get them wasn?t an uncommon experience.

How about you? Do you have an enemy? That probably sounds melodramatic, but it?s not. Think about it. Sin is one of the most basic themes in Scripture. ?Sinners? leads inevitably to ?sinned against.? That?s a biblical, realistic view of the world. Sometimes the sins committed against us are minor, and reconciliation can occur. Sometimes even major sins can be forgiven and reconciled. But not always. The sinner who sins against you may have no intention of stopping and no desire for reconciliation. In other words, you may have an enemy.

I?ll let you color in the ?enemy? picture: someone in the community. Someone on the internet. A boss. A coworker. An estranged family member. The question is how do you respond when you have enemies? What?s the godly reaction? In the rest of Psalm3, David is going to tell us. First hear him describe his situation.

?O LORD, how many are my foes! Many are rising against me; many are saying of my soul, there is no salvation for him in God? (Psalm 3:1-2).

He elaborates in v.6: many thousands have set themselves against him, surrounding him on all sides.

Does it feel that way with your enemy? Maybe not. You might read David?s words and think your situation is miniscule by comparison. That?s okay. David will teach us in the extreme how we should respond to opposition in every circumstance, great or small. It?s the same kind of situation. No matter who it is, no matter how large or small the attacks are, simply having someone doggedly against you wears you down. You feel either a burning desire to take control, justify yourself, and silence your enemy ? or you feel helpless, out of control, and despondent. Both of those feelings have a centrifugal power. They draw you in, consuming more and more of your inner world. But there?s a way out.

?But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.? (Psalm 3:3)

Now there are three parties involved: you, your enemies, and your God. And God?s is the decisive word. Do you hear who God is in this verse?

God is your protector. A shield takes the blows instead of you. God is your shield. No, it may not always feel that way ? your enemy?s words and deeds may still hurt, and hurt deeply. But if you?re a child of God, here?s the promise: they won?t destroy you. They don?t define you. And they cannot derail God?s plan for you.

God is your glory. Wait. Glory? Yes, glory. Worth. Honor. Perhaps it feels like, through slander or accusations, your enemy has stolen that from you. Not if you?re God?s. He is your glory. You call him Abba, Father. You wear his colors. He smiles ? even sings ? over you. Your glory, your honor and significance, is beyond the reach of your enemies.

God is your vindication. An implacable enemy makes you long for vindication. You want it known that they are in the wrong and you are in the right. You can try to make that happen in your own power, but it?s a dangerous road. You become like the one you oppose. Here?s a different way. Wait, on bended knee, until God lifts your head. He will.

A God like this completely alters the experience of being sinned against, of having an enemy. And if you?re convinced this God is your God, you can respond in a new way. Look what David says and does. He talks to God: ?I cried aloud to the LORD? (v.4). He rests in dependent trust: ?I lay down and slept.? He makes resolutions: ?I will not be afraid? (v.6). He cries out, passionately, for deliverance: ?Arise, O LORD! Save me, O my God!? (v.7). And he ends with the ultimate hope for all of God?s people: ?Salvation belongs to the LORD; your blessing be on your people? (v.8). Isn?t this exactly what you need when you have enemies? Salvation. Deliverance. Rescue. It?s a straight line from this verse to the cross and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. He defeated his enemies and turned us, his one-time enemies, into friends. Salvation belongs to him. And not even our enemies can stop his blessing from flowing to us.

Photo by Ms Sara Kelly

The Laziness of Againstness


Some time back I wrote this article for about defining yourself or your organization by what you are for rather than what you are against.? After considering being against (or ?againstness? as I?ll call it) here are some further thoughts.

Againstness is lazy. It?s the easiest way to give a label to yourself or to your organization.? It?s the easiest way to position yourself. Except that it isn?t truly positioning yourself at all. It?s just floating off the shore of whatever you are against.? It doesn?t land anywhere it just avoids certain people/causes/attitudes/etc.? It is a pretend label that reveals very little and gives no direction as to what you are trying to be.

It is lazy because it doesn?t require work, just a little observation. All you need to do to be against something is keep an eye out for it and separate yourself from it while declaiming it as loudly as you please. This is true unless, of course, you are the more militant type of againster, in which case you follow the object of your ire around and attack whenever possible. This is no less lazy because you aren?t deciding what to do or where to go, you?re just being an unwitting follower of something or someone you reject.

It is much harder to pursue something, to set a goal and go after it. It requires serious thought to define the goal. It requires constant vigilance and judgment to determine if you are on the right course in the pursuit. It requires regular status checks to see what kind of progress is being made. It is constant motion, constant consideration, constant vigilance to be sure that nothing which you are against is deflecting you off course.

In my own life this is a constant effort. I find it so easy to just try not to be something ? not be a legalist, not be a blowhard, not to be too conservative, not to be too liberal, not to be sectarian, and so on. But what am I after all that not being stuff? I need an aim to figure that out, a standard to which I can hold myself. Am I honoring Jesus? Do I love others? Am I doing good and not harm? Am I producing quality work that benefits others?

Pursuing a goal necessitates being against certain things, or at least having no part in them. But being against something does not need to be antagonistic or combative unless these things they threaten your pursuit of your goal. Even then to stand against doesn?t have to mean to tear down as much as it does to stand firm. And we must always remember that ?these things which we are against are not what primarily defines us.

Lastly, againstness is equally as lazy and unhelpful in a work place as it is in a home or a relationship or a church or a school.? If I define my parenting by what I do not want to be I will be so much less of a father than if I aim at raising my children to be something great. It is easy to think ?I will not make the same mistakes my parents did?, but if we don?t aim at something we will simply drift as parents. If I seek out a church primarily because of what it?s not I have settled lazily into the same parasitic pattern of againstness. Instead of being part of building God?s kingdom up we will be party to tearing it down.

Againstness is an easy place to land, and an easy thing to rationalize because there is much in this fallen world to be against. But it aims at nothing, takes us nowhere, and gains us little.? So aim at what is good, and don?t fall into the trap of just being against againstness

When In Conflict, Realize That There’s Another Side to That Coin


It seems most people function under the assumption that everything in life is a zero sum game. Basically (extremely basically) that means that everything equals out to zero in the end. Imagine having 10 dollars. If I took ten you would have zero, if two people took 5 you would have zero, and so on. The sum would always end up so that the gains by some leave others with nothing. In areas of life that aren?t quite so numbers oriented it looks more like ?I am right and you are wrong? or ?If this is true then that is not.?

Whether or not we realize it, it is this sort of black and white mindset that causes all sorts of conflict. For example, my wife and I were recently going out on a date. She walked into the room ready to go and I complimented her hair. Her immediate response? ?Oh, you don?t like my outfit?? I had not realized that the total number of compliments allowed was one and I had brought sum to zero by using it on her hair. Such a light-hearted example still shows the mentality to think in stark terms about subtle or complex issues. I actually loved her outfit, but by emphasizing my appreciation for her hair I had left the door open for her to misunderstand me.

Many of the instances when this happens aren?t nearly so trivial. They lead to arguments, even animosity. Think of the divisions in the church over theology. God is loving and gentle vs. God is just and firm. God is sovereign vs. man having free will. God desires action vs. God desires study. And so on. All zero sum arguments; if one is right the other is wrong

Such thinking is a logical failure and faulty reasoning. It stems from a lack of thoughtfulness and willingness to listen and consider all sides of an issue. Just recently I saw somebody tweet something to the effect of ?The gospel is about how we live this life not where we go in the next.? Really? The gospel is not about where we go when we die? Nonsense. The gospel is about both! The argument is about which side of a coin is the ?true? side without ever realizing it?s the same blasted coin.

Such argumentation leads to side-taking and false conflicts. It fabricates opposition out of what is really a discussion of emphasis and priority. (Of course, if the conversation is about what is best or of utmost importance, it is different; that is a zero sum game because there is only one ?best.?) The vast majority of issues are not right vs. wrong or true vs. false. Most issues are questions of how things fit together and what is the point of emphasis. If you love a good argument you?ll still find plenty there, but you won?t win by painting another person as an idiot or a liar.

Life is complex. Truth is complex. God is complex. It?s almost never as simple as a zero sum game. To treat it that way is to undermine what is true and hurt those who are trying to represent it. We must put in the work to understand, to consider, and to turn the coin over to see the other side.

photo credit: MTSOfan via photopin cc

6 Questions To Ask Ourselves In Conflict

featsofstrength1 copy

In this fallen world, conflict is inevitable. Husbands and wives, parents and children/teens/adult kids, roommates, co-workers, brothers and sisters in Christ, believers and non-believers – we all sin against each other at times – at times intentionally but many times unintentionally. We have misunderstandings, fail to keep promises, do things that annoy or even hurt others. Sometimes we can overlook others? sins. At other times we must address them. Sometimes we are the ones who are confronted.

Here are 6 questions I have found helpful to ask myself?when I?find myself?in conflict:

1. ?Am I trying to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry? (James?1:19)

Am I really trying to hear what the other person has to say? Really trying to see their viewpoint? ?Or am I defending myself or thinking of my next answer before they are finished speaking? Am?I feeling angry? Is there anything that I really need to see here, even if we?re talking about something the other person did?

2. ?Have I considered that I may have a log in my eye? (MT?7:3)

We all have blind spots – things about ourselves we can?t see. Could I be perceiving things wrongly? Am I being humble? None of us has God?s perfect wisdom and insight into every situation.

3. ?Am I doing this for the glory of God? (1 CO 10:31)

Do I want this person to change so they will bring God glory? Or because I?m bugged, or to prove I?m right, or get my way?

4. ?Am I trying to speak the truth in love? (EPH 4:15)

Do I genuinely love this person and care about their well-being? Do I want the best for them? Do I hope God blesses them?

5. ?Am I trusting God to convince this person?

And the Lord?s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, 2 Ti 2:24-25

Only God?can change someone?s heart. We can?t, no matter how convincing or forceful we try to be. Have I asked God to help them see what he would have them see?

6. ?Is there any middle ground or alternative solution we haven?t considered?

We can get locked into thinking that our way is the only way. ?In the heat of conflict it’s hard to consider other possible options. ?Sometimes if we take a step back or give it a little time God can show us a solution we haven’t yet considered.

Remember, it’s not about winning or being right; it’s about God’s glory. ?Hope these are helpful.

Can You See Behind the Mask?


If you?ve ever seen any of the Mission Impossible movies starring Tom Cruise, you?re familiar with the Mission Impossible mask scenes. At key points in the plots, a character you thought was one person turns out to be someone else, disguised underneath an incredibly life-like mask. Tom Cruise impersonates the villain. The villain impersonates Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise impersonates a Starbucks barista. (Yes, I made that one up.) After a while, a viewer familiar with the MI mask motif gets a bit cynical: that guy looks like Tom Cruise, but is he really? ?Who?s the real Tom Cruise?

I doubt if perfectly life-like MI masks actually exist. But you do know what it?s like to wonder who?s masked and who?s real. This is the question you ask in marriage after that first explosive conflict: You?re not the person I married ? who are you? It?s the thoughts you have in the friendship when suddenly you can no longer agree on even the simplest of things: I don?t think I even know you anymore. After all these years, I can?t believe you could do this to me. Are you really like that?

The problem is especially acute when the other person is a fellow believer. You?re supposed to be on the same team. You believe the same things, you go to the same church, you serve in the same ministry ? and yet his behavior or her actions make you wonder if the person you thought you knew was just a mask.

And then it gets even worse when the situation endures over time. Gradually, with every interaction, your opinion is settled and confirmed. They really are like that: nitpicking, petty, deceitful, proud, defensive. It?s not just once ? it?s over time, a pattern repeated and long ingrained. You no longer ask, Who are you? You know, and you intensely dislike, the answer.

How do you live in those kinds of relationships, when you don?t know what?s the mask and what?s the real person? Or, even worse, when you come to believe the person you fell in love with, or built a friendship with, was just a masked imposter?

The right question here will completely alter our perspective. The right question to ask is this: who does God see when he sees this person? When we observe a fellow believer and draw conclusions, we are defining that person, and the question we need to ask is whether our definition matches up with God?s.

In God?s sight, the truest identity of any believer is not who they are now, but who they will become. The defining reality of their life is the presence of the Holy Spirit, uniting them with Christ and filling them with the life of God. And because the God who began a good work in them will surely complete it, God alone has the right to define who someone is.

If this is true, then every temporal observation that we make of another believer ? even if it?s backed up by years of evidence ? is only a half-truth. And a half-truth expressed as a whole truth is an untruth. The full story must include the presence of the Holy Spirit, the outworking of the character of Christ in the believer?s heart, the resurrection power of God applied to making each believer a fit temple of the Holy Spirit (see, for instance, Ephesians 1:15-19 and 3:14-21). If you don?t take this into account, you?re not considering the true person. You?ve been fooled by a temporary ? though real ? mask.

That person you?re thinking of even now, if they?re a believer in Christ, is not who they will one day be. The weaknesses will be gone. The sins will disappear. He will be radiant with Christ?s glory. She will stand spotless in the presence of God. That future identity trumps all present realities. Those are masks, temporarily hiding what is true and what is real. And so we must learn to see behind the mask.

3 Questions to Ask Before Responding to a Controversy

photo credit: Wolfhowl via photopin cc

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it, does it still make a sound? Yes, but the better question is if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it, who cares? If you found out a tree fell would you go tell others? Would you blog or tweet about it? Probably not.

And that?s precisely how we ought to treat many ?controversies?. A controversy is only controversial if people talk about it. If we let it lie there like the tree in the forest it?s just something dumb that was said or done and then it goes away. And far fewer people get hurt in the process too.

So many mistakes get blown into controversies by people?s responses to them. Before we decide to write, post, or speak a public rejoinder here are three questions to consider.

1.??? Am I really the one to respond to this?

What gives me reason to think that I should be the one raking Miley Cyrus over the coals or blasting a bunch of old white guys for hating rap? Should someone? Maybe, but why me? Just having a strong opinion on the issue isn?t enough. There better be a doggone good reason to enter into the fray.

2.??? Do I have something to say that others are not already saying?

Most public responses are restatements of something that?s already been said. If you have nothing fresh to offer, please don?t offer it. All you?re doing is piling on and brining in new readers or hearers who otherwise could innocently go about their business. Pay attentions to who is saying what so that you aren?t just another loud mouth pushing a controversy to new lows.

3.??? Is my response going to help solve or help escalate?

Don?t fool yourself into thinking your contribution will be the last nail in the coffin. Seriously consider whether you will be stirring up or settling down, hurting or healing. Will you be leading people further into the dispute or leading them to freedom from it?

Ego makes these questions nearly impossible to answer for ourselves, so we must have honest (and blunt) sounding boards. We need people to save us from our own delusions. Find these people and listen to them.

So often, more damage is done through spreading controversy than through ignoring it. I can already see hackles rising on many of you. ?But we must respond with CONVICTION! We can?t let so-and-so- get away with whatever!? And to a point you?re right. Some actions must not be ignored. Ask yourself this before responding: Was it malicious, unjust, prominent, authoritative, or personally connected to me? If it is some combination of these it might deserve your ire. But even then, it?s often better to let the tree fall, let the echoes die away, and let it decay where it lies.

photo credit:?Wolfhowl?via?photopin?cc

Come On, Be Reasonable And Do It My Way!

?Let your reasonableness be known to all.? That command is in the Bible, though you wouldn?t know it if you were surveying the American church today. We have forgotten it completely, and I don?t mean ?forgotten? as in ?rationalized away.? I mean legitimately wiped from church memory.

If you were to choose labels for what you see in Christianity today ?reasonableness? would be nowhere near the top of the list. Outrage, bombast, extremism, polarity, partisan, sectarian, reactive, over-reactive, accusatory, judgmental, defensive, insulting, ignorant, fearful, hypocritical and others would likely come to mind first. If you wanted to find a more positive description you might go with well-intentioned, determined, or industrious. Of course no one of those terms, negative or positive, accurately sums up the church, but they would be higher on the list than ?reasonable.?

Somewhere along the line ? you can blame the Enlightenment if you?d like ? we decided reasons equaled reasonableness. If we could defend an idea or an action then it was reasonable (even if the reasons were poor). Our hope, and much of our identity, rests in argumentation. And ironically this is often at the expense of being reasonable. Our arguments are loud, long, and aggressive. We ?win? them with shows of force and pointed slogans. And we do make them known to everyone.

Real reasonableness is a blend of conviction and patience blended with some empathy and a willingness to engage multiple perspectives. ?Engaging? doesn?t mean fighting; it means interacting with graciously. To be reasonable one must be able to stand firm and be gentle at the same time, to know what you believe but communicate it without any of the ad hominem or straw man foolishness so prevalent today. A reasonable person observes much, listens much, then processes and responds. He doesn?t react.

Underpinning all true reasonableness is a constant acknowledgment that God is God. Nobody who is trying to play God in any part of life can be reasonable. Instead we ought to have a confidence in God, in his sovereignty. Sometimes this looks like gritted teeth and a bitten tongue and other times it?s as smooth as butter and as sweet as honey. But no matter what, only by remembering that God is God can we love the unlovable, even our enemies (another forgotten command). If we rest in the reality that God is sovereign we are able to set aside our reasons and actually become reasonable.

photo credit: Vic Acid via photopin cc