The Definitive Pastor Scouting Report

Tonight the NFL begins its annual rookie draft, but most of you probably knew that due to ESPN’s unceasing coverage of Mel Kiper’s hair. In order to draft well teams must have accurate scouting reports detailing players’ strengths, weaknesses, skills, and proclivities. They spend months piecing these together to get most complete picture they can of any prospect they might select.

Imagine a scenario, instead, where it isn’t football players being drafted but pastors. That’s right, pastors. (We did a bit of this in a recent Happy Rant Podcast episode.) What might those scouting reports look like? Well I have conferred with dozens of local area scouts and high-ranking church officials to piece together the definitive pastor scouting report. What follows are the concise synopses of months of arduous labor.

John MacArthur: Defined by his fundamentals and strong defense; an attacker; fiery nearly to a fault even at his advanced age.

Joel Osteen: A crowd pleaser who knows it’s all about the Benjamins; lots of flash but little substance; a short-term boost but not part of a long term winning effort.

Matt Chandler: A true star at the peak of his powers; seems to be improving with age; knows how to overcome adversity; so spotless it makes one wonder if it’s all real.

Joshua Harris: Burst on to the scene before he was really ready; been through the ringer since then, but has kissed all that goodbye; bright future.

Erwin Lutzer: Long run of success in a big market; still has some game even as he approaches the end of a career; mildly eccentric and easily fixated on tyrants.

Andy Stanley: Strong bloodlines; hugely successful and respected by many; seems to alienate himself from many leaders; the opposite of Derrick Zoolander in that every turn he makes is to the left.

Stephen Furtick: Fills out a uniform well, looks the part, but really plays the game for himself; impressive eyebrows.

David Platt: An emotional leader (really emotional); pretty defined skill set but radically good at it.

Rick Warren: Beloved and embattled simultaneously; unclear why so many dislike him; hugely successful; best described as purposeful and driven.

Rob Bell: Unquestionable talent and magnetism, but major questions exist about his commitment to the game; unorthodox style; incomprehensible decision making (and book titles) at times.

Tim Keller: The biggest name in the biggest market; a crossover superstar who can thrive in a hostile environment despite odds stacked against; clockwork production to the tune of a book per month.

Mark Driscoll: The ultimate draft lottery ticket. Will he buy in to a team’s system? If so he is a magnetic super star with nearly unmatched ability. If not he runs the risk of becoming an overbearing pariah who can bring a franchise to its knees. Not ideal for a southern franchise given his penchant for mocking rednecks.

Derwin Gray: Previously drafted by, you know, the real NFL; an up-and-comer now; willing to tackle any challenge as it comes.

Al Mohler: A cerebral player; strong-willed; doesn’t always mesh with teammates; no ability to go left.

Tullian Tchividjian: Talented and productive; well-loved by fans; inexplicably mired in conflict with previous team-mates; seems out of character for someone known for being gracious.

Voddie Baucham: Powerful and consistent (some would say stubborn); plays a conservative style and plays it aggressively.

Kyle Idleman: An under-the-radar star; has thrived in a smaller market; not a fan of publicity gimmicks; just plays the game.

John Piper: Walked away from the game recently at the peak of his powers; would take a massive pay day to lure him back from his beach house; don’t waste your pick on him.

Creflo Dollar: Lives up to his last name (although questions linger whether it’s his real name); big time earner and lives large; risk-taker; occasionally over-reaches his place.

Perry Noble: A pure energy guy (like walking Red Bull level energy); so aggressive and passionate he occasionally makes mistakes.