5 Celebrity Pastors As Beers

Do you ever listen to a killer sermon and think to yourself, “Man, that hit me like a nice, dark porter?” You’re not the only one, and now, you no longer have to wonder what kind of beer that sermon would be if it were somehow fermented and distilled at your local microbrewery. Here are five celebrity pastors recast as your favorite brews, through the magic of science and imagination.

John Piper: a Saison Pale Ale—John Piper is thoughtful and complex, and his tone and style definitely aren’t for everyone. He’s clearly a Saison ale, with interesting undertones that make you stop, sip slowly, and think for a few minutes after each drop. It’s both soul-satisfying and God-glorifying, to the last drop.


Paul Washer: a High-ABV IPA—Washer will draw you in with his sincere, emotional pleas to repent and believe the gospel, and then he’ll kick you in the teeth. His style isn’t dissimilar from a harsh, hoppy IPA that starts out smooth, then sends you reeling with its bitter aftertaste and high-alcoholic content. Wine may be a mocker, but it’s Paul Washer that’s the real strong brawler when it comes to hardcore preaching.


Voddie Baucham: a Belgian lambic —With a different, unique, funky flavor, Voddie Baucham’s sermons will keep you coming back for more. Like Piper, Baucham won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but once you drink the Kool-Aid, you’ll be a fan for life. In fact, you’ll probably start sneering at your friends that enjoy more boring preachers like Charles Stanley or that guy from Calvary Chapel. After all, real men only go for the sure, deep, complex taste of a Baucham message.


Joel Osteen: a Keystone Light—You’re at a party, and the host asks if you want a beer. “Sure,” you say, glancing around to make sure no one from church is there. But God’s judgment is swift, and the host brings you a Keystone light lager. Still, you drink it, because it’s either that or water, but every sip goes down with a grimace. It’s exactly like Joel Osteen sermons—only to be consumed if there’s absolutely nothing else available.


John MacArthur: a non-alcoholic O’Doul’s—Johnny Mac’s no slave to the devil’s drink, but he still wants to hang around his Reformed brethren in case a good baptism or eschatology debate comes up. And when it does, his mind will be sharp and ready, since he’s sipping a nice, non-alcoholic beverage. His sermons are dry and won’t lead to any fun or dancing, but they’re technically sound and won’t leave you with any bad theological hangovers.


I live in San Diego and have a day job in the construction industry. By night, I work as Head Writer for The Babylon Bee and contribute articles elsewhere on tabletop gaming and church culture. I'm also an elder at Highpoint Church. You can follow Kyle on Twitter and Facebook