Thanks to my deep-throat sources at various Christian publishing companies, I know all about what’s hot and what’s not in the book world. I know who owes who money, which authors are having hidden affairs with heresy, and who is secretly in theological rehab.
A recent contact informed me that some fresh new study Bibles are being released this year. Because you rely on me for the hottest Christian gossip, I’m going to let you in on what’s coming.
The ESV Gorgeous Ultimate Reader’s Edition: Containing just a single word per page, this 1900 volume Bible is the ultimate experience in reading aesthetic. With covers made from the skin of 100 flawless lambs, the creamy white pages contain ample margin room for notes, drawings, deep breathing, caresses, Instagram photos, and highlighting. Yes, it does fill an entire room, but truly dedicated Christians will see the necessity of this gorgeous book set.
The Watch Blogger Outrage Bible. Containing only select passages from the Old Testament, mostly about God’s judgment on Israel, this detailed study Bible helps outraged bloggers take passages out of context and then apply them to Christians they don’t like. Perfect for the Christian who would rather scream than actually work toward change!
The Joel Osteen Fortune Cookie Bible. This pocket-sized Bible is perfect for taking on the go! It may not have any actual Bible verses, but it does contain statements from real fortune cookies that sound vaguely spiritual and sure will make you smile! Puts a positive punch into every day. Always lifts you up, never lets you down!
The Creflo Dollar Flying Bible. This luxury Bible truly says, “I love God this many dollars.” Made from 24 karat gold, it also has wings and a tiny jet engine which allows it to zip around the room. It can only be opened by positive affirmations and love offerings, so turn that frown upside down and open up your wallet!
The Michael Hyatt Platform Bible. Perfect for the aspiring speaker, author, tribe-builder, leader, entrepreneur, or multi-level-mentor, this Bible tweets out a single verse every day along with an inspiring image, such as an eagle riding atop a tiger. It also gives readers the chance to sign up for a free email course offered by Michael.
The Rob Bell Snimfulm of Zen Fringblat Bible. Helping you explore new words, theological concepts, feelings, smells, colors, and music, this Bible will allow you to interpret incredibly simple Bible verses in ways that defy all logic and common sense. It also features short interviews with Bono, Oprah, the Dalai Lama, Heaven’s Gate, and Timothy Leary. A must have for all spiritual explorers.
The Stephen Altrogge Half-Finished Bible. Like most of his projects, Stephen will be releasing this project before it’s done and then only completing half of it. But Genesis – Malachi will be really good.
The Nadia Bolz-Weber Feminist Bible. Composed entirely of Indigo Girls lyrics and Lena Dunham quotes, this Bible is perfect for anyone who feels that it’s time to topple the patriarchy. Every other page contains a trigger warning.
The Millennial On Fleek Bible. If you have a millennial in your life, you absolutely MUST get them this swole as freak Bible. With every verse rewritten in on point words relevant to millennials, it will help them remember that God says, “I got you bae,” and that giving into sin will throw serious shade on them.
The Barnabas Piper Huggable Pastor’s Kid Bible. Reminding them that they are special and feelings are hard, this huggable Bible is the perfect companion for the lonely, socially awkward pastor’s kid. It also contains a secret compartment for smuggling cigarettes and a flask in case he/she wants to be a rebel.
The Jen Hatmaker Rearrangeable Bible. Sometimes you just don’t like what certain verses say. Now, with this rearrangeable Bible, you can change verses so they fit with what makes you feel good. If you suddenly decide that you don’t believe something that Christians of all faiths have believed for 2,000 years, just change it! More power to you!
The Ann Voskamp Eucharisto Bible. Made from a loaf of freshly baked bread, this Bible is perfect for reading/eating at your farmhouse table on a cold winter’s morn. It also doubles as a pillow, allowing you to find peace as you wander the weary paths in search of the stillness life.
Thanks to big T, Barn, and Zach for some of these ideas