To: The Little Drummer Boy
From: World Wide Drummers Inc.
Dear Little Drummer Boy,
As an employee of World Wide Drummers Inc., you know how hard we work to maintain a sterling reputation. As you know, drummers are already looked down upon in the music world, and we must do everything we can to stay clean.
It has come to our attention that in recent days, you have engaged in behavior that has both hurt the reputation of WWDI and could even be construed as criminal behavior.
We are referring, of course, to what the papers are referring to as the “Crazed Drummer Incident” which happened on December 26th in a small town called “Bethlehem”.
Our investigative department has ascertained the following facts regarding the incident:
- On the morning of December 26th, without any authorization from WWDI, you traveled to a stable in Bethlehem. All occupants inside the stable were asleep.
- Without any provocation, you broke into the stable and immediately launched into a drum solo.
- Mary awoke and immediately began crying, insisting that you were scaring the baby and that, “He’s only a child.” Joseph tried to quietly usher you outside but you refused to move, insisting that someone had instructed you to come play for them. You had no such instructions from WWDI.
- When Joseph mentioned that you were not a very good drummer, you became angry, beat upon your drum even harder, and began screaming, “I am a poor boy too!” NOTE: We at WWDI do not permit employees to discuss salaries with non-employees. You are payed a fair and reasonable rate given your diminutive skills (see below).
- When authorities finally arrived and pulled you out of the stable, you kept insisting to them that the ox and lamb had been keeping time.
- Mary and Joseph have now filed a restraining order against you and are suing WWDI. Our legal team is attempting to settle out of court.
In light of these events, WWDI is putting you on probation and insisting that you do the following:
Take Further Drum Lessons. Apparently, all you played during the incident was a simple “pa-rum-pum-pum-pum”. Not only did you fail to represent WWDI in your behavior, you also misrepresented us with your pathetic drum skills. At least you could have played “Wipeout”, “My Generation”, or “Moby Dick”. Instead, you chose to play something even Ringo Starr could have played.
Attend Baby Sensitivity Training. Even a stone-drunk monkey knows that the last thing a baby needs is a drum solo. Yet, for some reason, you believed that someone commanded you to fill the stable with your incessant clatter. Despite what you thought, your drumming was not a gift. To anyone.
Undergo Psychiatric Evaluation. Clearly, you were hallucinating during the “Crazed Drummer Incident”. Sane people do not imagine that an ox and lamb are keeping time with them. Sane people do not believe they are on a mission from God.
Until these issues are resolved, you are limited to playing drums for church youth groups, senior centers, drum circles, and Dixie Chicks cover bands.
Any further issues will result in your immediate termination and the confiscation of all percussion related materials.