In my ongoing effort to keep you apprised of all the latest publishing industry insider information, I’ve gotten the scoop on the best study Bibles coming out this fall.
It really is an exciting time to be alive!
The Donald Trump Greatest Bible Ever (rated 100% by everyone) – This is, hands down, the greatest study Bible ever created. Made only in America with pages of pure Levi’s denim, it’s huge, measuring 12×16 feet. There literally has never been a bigger, better Bible in history. In an emergency, it can be propped upright and used as a protective wall. And the best part? You can make other people pay for it.
The #FakeNews Bible. Featuring commentary from leading conspiracy theorists around the world, this insightful Bible shows how everything you ever believed was a lie. David and Goliath? Proof that 9/11 was an inside job. Daniel and the lion’s den. Goes straight to the heart of the moon landing conspiracy. The darkness during the crucifixion? Proof positive that the earth is flat.
The Hot Take Bible. With insightful study guides from leading isolated bloggers, the stories in this Bible are revealed in bits and pieces, allowing you to quickly jump to wildly inaccurate and judgmental conclusions. It integrates directly with social media so that you can share your conclusions with little forethought.
The John Hagee End Times Bible. Every page also functions as eclipse glasses, ensuring you have an adequate supply for the many solar eclipses and blood moons ahead of us. Additionally, locust eggs have been embedded directly in the pages, primed to hatch when you begin reading Revelation.
The Rob Bell Book Of Frizumm Schmack. Based entirely on an obscure word found in a single ancient Sumerian text, this Bible will radically alter everything you know about God. Featuring numerous blank pages, you have plenty of space to reflect, breathe, and create your own personal heresies.
The William Paul Young Shack Attack Shaq Smack Audio Bible. Narrated by the original Shaq, this Bible will somehow stay on the best seller lists for two decades.
The Jesus Calling Calling Jesus Bible App. This revolutionary app now allows you to have two-way phone conversations with Jesus. He reveals new things to you and you can actually call him back. There is some suspicion that this Bible is utilizing artificial intelligence rather than the risen Christ, but that remains to be seen.
The Stephen Altrogge Men In Black Memory Eraser Bible. Based on Stephen’s amazing habit of being really terrible at memorizing scripture, this Bible literally erases your memory after every reading session and fills your mind with useless Star Wars trivia.
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The Creflo Dollar 24k Gold #Blessing Bible. Weighing 2,934 pounds, this Bible costs a $6.4 million love offering. Really, it’s more of an eternal investment than a study Bible.
The Anonymous Twitter Account Discernment Bible. Featuring key criticisms and unhelpful memes from anonymous writers who don’t have the courage to put their names on anything, this Bible is perfect for the guy who is working out his internet muscles.
The Raving Facebook Commenter Bible. Every passage is connected to Facebook, allowing you to have real time discussions with people you don’t know about minuscule theological points that don’t matter very much. It’s a fantastic way to feel angry and arrogant every morning.
The #SoGood Instagram Bible. Featuring an integrated selfie cam connected directly to Instagram, this powerful Bible enables you to share every devotional moment accompanied by an auto-generated hashtag such as #SoGood, #Blessed, #This, or #GraceToTheFace.