An Open Letter To Trunk-or-Treat

Dear Trunk-Or-Treat,

Let me begin by saying how much I love your work. Really. This isn’t one of those passive aggressive open letters where I pretend to like you in order to gain some audience cred when I would actually prefer you to be dismembered by rabid wolverines.

Hear me loud and clear: I. Love. Trunk-or-treat. (All those extra periods are for emphasis. I see lots of kids writing that way these days. I could throw an expletive in there, but this is a Christian blog.)

I love the hayrides, the molten s’mores that induce third-degree mouth burns, the tepid apple cider, and the bobbing for apples in germ infested waters (seriously, who invented that awful game?).

But, I do think you could be a little more honest. I mean seriously, you’re not fooling anyone. You call yourself a “trunk-or-treat” and you act like you are a “superior”, “holy” alternative to “trick-or-treating” (sorry, got carried away with quotations marks). But I can’t quite figure out what separates you from actual “trick-or-treating” (dang it!).

Both involve getting dressed up in costumes.

Both involve my children getting more candy in 45 minutes than I give them entire rest of the year. Like, a seriously unhealthy amount of candy. Like, how is this not a national health risk, kind of candy? Shouldn’t Michelle Obama be creating some sort of health initiative to address this? I digress.

Both involve walking around to different people who have invested various levels of effort into making their houses/cars look interesting, including that one family who cares way, way, way too much and that one semi-weird person who gives out granola and organic dried fruit.

As far as I can tell, the only difference is a single letter in the name and the fact that you happen on church grounds.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about candy in car trunks (in a non-creepy, non-kidnapping sort of way). But I think you can drop the silly pretense about being a superior, holy alternative to trick-or-treat. It’s like when Vanilla Ice insisted that the intro to “Ice Ice Baby” was different than the intro to “Under Pressure”. It was a joke.

Don’t be the Vanilla Ice of candy consumption. You guys are basically twins.

But even if you refuse to drop your silly deception, I will continue to love you. You will always be a part of my life, for better or worse. This letter is simply me speaking the truth in love.

Now I must get back to my pumpkin carving.



Stephen Altrogge

I'm a husband, dad, writer. I drink too much coffee and know too much about Star Wars. I created The Blazing Center. I've also written some books which people seem to like. You can follow me on Twitter and Facebook