Note: If this silly article makes no sense to you, first read this sillier (yet extremely earnest) article in The New Yorker.
As a passionate member of New York City’s “Thought Leader Guild”, I’m always on the lookout for anything that might upset our peaceful existence.
When I heard that a Chick-fil-A was coming to NYC (that’s an abbreviation I use when chatting with friends on my Blackberry), I was immediately concerned.
Why is this so concerning?
Because Chick-fil-A was created and is run by…
…wait for it…
Yep. We’re one step away from ISIS, folks. That’s how bad things have gotten. First Chick-fil-A, next women will be forced to wear burqas and pray to the Koran (or whatever it is that ISIS people do).
Everyone knows that all Christians care about is shoving their absurd beliefs down people’s throats, much like I’m forced to shove an organic couscous vitamin down my dog’s (Miss Rand) throat every morning.
NOT TODAY SATAN!
(Note: I’m using the term “Satan” metaphorically here to appeal to modern youth, not in reference to a real Satan, whom I don’t believe in.)
I wasn’t about to let this happen in my precious NYC (see above), and so I decided to infiltrate this devious institution to see how bad things really were.
I’m sad to say that things are even worse than I feared.
When I entered the restaurant, I was immediately handed a three page document and told that I wouldn’t be served unless I agreed to every statement in the document.
A sampling of some of the statements:
We believe everyone who disagrees with us should be executed via firing squad.
Christians are better than everyone else and we want to make America a Christian kingdom where women aren’t allowed to work, vote, or speak without being spoken to.
Education beyond third grade is unnecessary.
Of course, I don’t agree with any of those statements, but in order to continue my investigation, I signed the document.
What they didn’t realize is that I intentionally misspelled my name, meaning that the document is null and void.
ANOTHER VICTORY FOR THE THOUGHT GUILD!
After “signing” (the quotes signify that I didn’t really sign it) the document, I was ushered into the restaurant and told that my dining options were as follows:
That’s it. I could hardly believe the bigotry.
My only choice was chicken? Why is chicken the best? Who decided that? And who are they to tell me what I can and can’t eat? What if my truth is that chicken shouldn’t be eaten?
Yet another example of Christians shoving their narrow-minded beliefs upon others.
And it won’t come as any surprise that chicken wasn’t farm-to-table. No sir. Their chicken came frozen in big boxes, probably straight from an asbestos-filled chicken factory.
I almost cursed, but then realized that they would probably immediately throw me out if I uttered even the slightest dissent. After all, that’s how Christians are. If you disagree with them, they physically attack you.
So I ordered the chicken, but not without first offering up thoughts (not prayers) for the family of the deceased chicken.
They also told me that I had to try their waffle fries. The symbolism was immediately obvious to me. Waffle fries represent prison bars. Chick-fil-A is subtly trying to make everyone think being a prisoner of Christian beliefs is a good thing.
Not on my watch.
I did order the waffle fries, but I had a plan. When the fries arrived, I slowly and methodically ripped them to pieces before eating them. I could tell that the manager was furious at me for foiling his mind control plan.
And let me just say, the deliciousness of my resistance was a meal in itself to me!
My plan for the chicken was just as brilliant. I simply decided that it wasn’t chicken, but was actually a delightful rice pilaf patty, lightly seasoned with olive oil. After all, who is Chick-fil-A to tell me what is and isn’t chicken? Chicken is simply a social construct.
Seems like maybe they DO need more than third grade education.
As I was eating my rice pilaf patty, I noticed that the employees had gathered in a circle behind the counter and were chanting something. I edged closer and also saw what appeared to be blood on their hands.
There was no doubt about it: this was a blood ritual.
When I heard what they were saying, a metaphorical chill ran down my literal spine.
One world government. Kill the infidels. We are the light. They are the wicked.
I had to get out of there. Fast. I had obviously seen something I wasn’t meant to.
As I turned to leave, I felt a literal hand on my literal shoulder and a metaphorical hand gripped my heart.
I turned around.
A smiling young man said, “You’re not done yet. There’s one more thing to do.”
I tried to resist but found myself unable. He had obviously been trained in advanced hand-to-hand combat techniques. Chick-fil-A is building an army of Christian soldiers to take over the world.
He led me into the back where I saw a great vat full of oil.
“It is time for you to be baptized,” he said. “You must be of one accord with us. This is for your freedom.”
I struggled against him, but the strength that had allowed me to destroy the waffle fry prison bars had deserted me.
The young man forced me to climb into the oil baptismal and then said, “I baptize you in the name of Truett Cathy, our great founder, and the Christian faith. Soon we will all be Christians.”
He pushed me under the oil and held me there for what seemed like an eternity (which I don’t believe in). Finally, he allowed me to come up for air.
Sensing an opportunity, I slipped from his grasp (I was very oily) and sprinted out a back door. I immediately ran to my apartment, sat down at my computer, and typed up this article. I’m pretty sure my keyboard is ruined, but that’s okay.
You have been warned. We must #resist Chick-fil-A.
Stand with me.