Christmas is one of the most dangerous times of the year. Millions of people are accidentally exposed to “The Christmas Shoes”, and many don’t even realize it’s happened until it’s too late.
However, if treated quickly, you can usually avoid permanent damage.
What are the symptoms of CSE (Christmas Shoes Exposure)?
- Bleeding ears.
- Emptiness. So much emptiness.
- A sudden desire to punch someone.
- A deep and abiding wish that Leonard Ahlstrom (author of the song) had never been born (kinda like in It’s A Wonderful Life).
- A deep and abiding wish that YOU had never been born.
- A fear that at the end of your life, all you’ll have to show is a lousy pair of shoes.
- An unshakable sense of being cold, so…very…cold.
- Blackness, despair, and the approach of death.
If you experience any of these symptoms, you may be experiencing CSE.
What should you do if you are inadvertently exposed?
STEP 1: Give yourself an audio enema. It is essential to clear all remnants of “The Christmas Shoes” from your brain. Consider purchasing a wood chipper and feeding steel bars into it. Alternatively, play Nickleback on maximum decibel level for 24 straight hours. By the end of the audio enema, you should feel dazed and confused.
STEP 2: Put yourself on a straight Christmas classic diet. Bing Crosby, Sinatra, and Nat King Cole. If you accidentally stumble upon the Twisted Sister cover of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” go back to step 1.
STEP 3: Cut off all potential sources of “The Christmas Shoes”. Just like a concussion, once you’ve been exposed, your risk of re-injury is high. Thus, it’s crucial to avoid double exposure (or “double jeopardy” as it’s known in the medical world). If you have a friend that likes the song, they are a friend no longer. You can’t afford the risk.
If you don’t seek treatment immediately, you may experience permanent damage.
Don’t wait. Get help today.
